Outside of The Pain

Outside of the pain I can see lovely things. I see two beautiful healthy boys so full of life. An amazing husband who works harder than anyone I know. That same man is a wonderful daddy to those two amazing little boys. I see family that will never give up on us. I see God's unending, unconditional love for me. I see a story of strength given, difficulties overcome, and eyes reopened to grace and provision.

Inside of the pain these wonderful things became so cloudy that I lost sight of them. I couldn't see a day in front of me. My mind was so overwhelmed with darkness that any joy felt so out of reach. As hard as I tried to see it as God's perfect plan and timing, I struggled; struggled hard.

It was a fight to get outside the pain. Overcoming my doubt that something was really wrong and seeking help. And putting in a conscience effort to focus on the positive things in my life once I was on the road to recovery.

As I wrote this, one of my best friends was in the hospital. I hurt for her and prayed every hour that God would heal her body. I found myself going back to asking God why. I didn't understand it. I knew she didn't. I can remember the helplessness of being stuck and not knowing why I was there. Wishing it would end and crying each day begging God that He could do that for me. I have no answer for why I went through postpartum depression. I don't have an answer for why Joni had to deal with her sickness. But I do know I made it through. And she did too. I remember telling her often that she would make it, and believing for her when she didn't have the strength to do that herself. Knowing God had brought me through something so awful and painful I knew He would do it for her too. And that's what I needed to know in the dark months I went through. I needed to hear that other people had been through the same thing and made it to the other side. The scriptures and prayers did help, but it was knowing others had been there before and were okay that gave me strength. What I couldn't see in the worst of it was real life again. I really thought I was going to be stuck there forever. I needed to be reminded, that in fact I wouldn't.

Outside of the pain I see the real me. An over comer. I see beauty in the strength that was made in me. I have a greater love for God. I know a greater trust in God. I'm living these truths while there are some in my life going through hard things. I have to take myself back to that place and realize what they need. What I needed. I needed to know it wasn't forever. I needed to know I was in their thoughts. I didn't need answers, just ears to listen. And sometimes I literally just wanted a warm body in the room while I cried. No words. Just warm tears and a friend that understood that them just being there was healing for me. It was painfully hard for me to reach out. The majority of the time I needed friends to come to me. Knowing that I was hurting, but not having the strength to tell them I needed it. No judgement of why I wasn't myself, I needed grace and love. I want to be that for other people. To get outside my selfishness and show others God's love when they can't find it for themselves. Pray for them when they can't find the faith to believe. In the midst of their why's and emotional draining they need one of us to be there for them. We can't get so consumed with our own life that we forget other people have pain too. And let's stop assuming someone else will do it.

I have a handful of faithful friends who consistently reach out when I'm going through a rough time. I'm so grateful for them. I want to be like them. Bring yourself back to a place where you needed it. Be aware of what is going on in others lives and do what you can. Don't wait. Those in pain don't always know how to ask. I didn't.

Three years ago I was unable see beyond the pain. In that situation where my mind was not right, the pain seemed forever. Pain I've gone through since then has been different. I've battled to pray God's word and remember He is faithful. Just as Proverbs 31:15 says "she rises while it is yet night...", I want to continue to strive to do just that. In the midst of hardship and pain I want to rise above the negative thoughts and doubt, and praise God through it remembering He is faithful and true to His word. And I want to be that friend who will stand in the gap for those who can't see beyond their pain to believe God will bring them through it.

Free!

I cannot explain my emotions other than that I feel free! It's been 18 long months of learning to adjust to feelings I can never explain and finally deciding to get on medication for postpartum depression. I have learned a lot and have a whole lot of compassion for anyone that deals with this awful illness. I have been off the medication for over three weeks and I feel that I can handle things without being overcome with anxiety and sadness. Even while stressed out I feel that it's so much easier to handle. Again, there is no way to explain how depression makes you feel. It's something you don't understand until you go through it. Very different from the "baby blues" which some moms go through. I'm not talking about the occasional sadness, but a mind debilitating feeling where nothing around you seems right. I've prayed a lot and have tons of support from others praying for me. I'm so thankful that I've come out of this, in the sense of being on a medication. I definitely have a part of me that fears it coming back but I'm taking steps to make sure I'm doing all I can to address it. As most stuff I have gone through, it's not something I would ever wish for myself or anyone else but now that I've gone through this I'm thankful for what I have learned from it. Whether that's to understand people or support others that go through the same thing I will allow God to use me in whatever way He chooses. He brought me out of this stronger, full of compassion and so grateful. I don't know that I would have gotten help if it weren't for two women in my life being honest about their situation. Even after that it took me 6 months to accept that this is what I was dealing with. I still look back with frustration that Ryan's first 6 months are a very cloudy memory to me but I try as much as I can to focus on the now. To enjoy the amazing little boy he has become and be open to talk to anyone who might be dealing with the same thing I did. I'm free, strong, and so thankful God never gives me more than I can handle.

Are we there yet?

Little update for those wondering....Last year I told of my struggle with postpartum depression. There have been many ups and downs and through it all I have wondered if I would be on medication forever. That is the last thing I wanted, but decided if that's what I needed to do to be the best wife, mother, and friend then I could do it. It's taken a long time to come to terms with that; for someone who doesn't like taking ibuprofen for a headache.
A few months ago I started feeling a bit different. Almost like I was getting more depressed. So I went to the doctor and increased the meds a little, only to feel even worse. So I switched them back to the normal amount and felt like maybe this could be my body telling me it might be time to be okay on it's own. So stupidly I skipped three days in a row of my medication. Anyone on these type of medications knows better, but I guess in my stubbornness I thought I was an exception and could stop cold turkey....nope. That was very clear on the third day when I became very dizzy and lightheaded. So back on the medication I went but this time started weaning off of it slowly. And that's where I'm at now. Are we there yet? No. But close! Oh so close. It's been a long road but as I look back I can see knowledge gained, perspective changed, lessons learned, and a story to share.