Daily grace

I felt like a big jerk. I wasn't very kind to my son Tuesday morning...over dirty finger nails that were too long. As I rushed him to allow me to trim his nails he sobbed "Now I can't scratch my back!" We ran out to the bus; nails still dirty. I hugged him and he was gone. I stood there ashamed, realizing I never gave him an opportunity to talk. I never asked him why he didn't want his nails cut. He wanted his nails so he could scratch his back. I wanted neat trimmed nails so he wasn't (maybe so I'm not) judged by teachers for not having clean fingers. Had I taken a moment to talk to him we could have compromised and just cleaned them. I of all people should know his mind works differently than mine. I'm still learning to listen before I act when he has a reason for wanting, or not wanting something, instead of assuming he's just being disobedient. Like so many times before I had to give myself grace. I knew as soon as I saw him after school he would give me grace too. And sure enough, He did.

Disconnected (part 2)

(If you missed Part 1, you can read it here)



Even after reading in Disconnected Kids about parents that were seeing their children come out of Autism, I was not sure it would work for us. But I was ready to try.....

I am very sure now. It was January when we began Aiden on his program. At that time he was not initiating much conversation, very rarely giving eye contact, he was throwing outrageous and uncontrollable tantrums, he was always tired, and pretty moody overall. At Aiden's first appointment with Dr.Gazhi there were multiple tests done to determine if we were looking to strengthen the left or right side of the brain. Dr.Gazhi checked his balance, hearing, eye coordination, posture, and strength on both sides of his body, among other things. Aiden was having a difficult time keeping eye contact, staying on the same subject of conversation, and sitting up straight, or showing much strength at all. After a couple of these diagnostic visits he started chiropractic adjustments as well as different therapies to start to strengthen his body and his brain

Three months into Aiden's new treatments it hit us. This was not too good to be true. This was working. We were realizing that Aiden was talking more, starting conversations and actually giving us details about his day. Instead of giving us an "I don't know answer" to almost everything, he was really communicating with us. He was having less fits, and he was looking people in the eye. He was starting conversations with people he didn't know. He was reading better and talking about his friends. This was all so new and so so wonderful. These therapies, along with a gluten free diet and supplements, were really helping. I was so excited.

Life has gotten easier, but we have to stick to a plan. We have to do therapy, and we have to do supplements. All the little details to make sure he can have the best possible day. When I get lazy I see the results of it through Aiden and it's not good. He still needs a very strict routine and consistency in his exercises, but he is a different kid than he was 6 months ago. And Aiden loves going to Dr.Gazhi, also known by him as the "game doctor." He runs in so excited to share the latest happenings of his life with Dr.Gazhi. We were stuck. He was disconnected until we found this doctor and this book that opened our eyes to see the tools we could use to help Aiden become connected. To feel better in his body and be more confident. I am so thankful for what brought me to this place. Even though I whined and complained about my back, I see how God used that to get us where we are.

Aiden has come a long way, but he is not where we want him to be and we still have some bad days. I know very well the glares and stares. The judgement of other people thinking I am not parenting my child well. I know, I have been one of them myself. Do me a favor; I will join you. When you are out and about and you see a child out of control, and most likely a worn out mom, please remember my Aiden. Spectrum disorder or not, they need grace. We don't know the details of their lives. We are seeing but a tiny glimpse. Give a smile and save your judgement. You never know what that person has gone through or is currently going through. Even if she isn't parenting well, it's not our job to fix them.

What is most important to me about all of this is the help we got for Aiden. I didn't know if it was ever going to happen. But I got even more out of it. Through this experience I was able to correct by back that had hurt me every single day for years, start on a new eating lifestyle that would clear my skin and help me lose weight, and be healthy; feeling better overall. But this has been more than getting healing for myself and my son. It's about learning to have a better attitude in these hard situations. It's about the amazing people that God brings into your life when you feel like there is no good that can come out of what you're going through. Even in times we feel there can be no life in what we are going through, like God must have made a mistake, we see Him at work in others and we see beauty come from pain. People are learning lessons from us by the strength we show through our struggles.

This is our story. We were frustrated, lost, and sad for the unknown. I'm so thankful for the day I strained my back. It brought me to the right person who handed us the keys to unlock our little boy. We are seeing Aiden, who was an angry, out of control child with Autism become happy, brighter, funny, and smarter. He is getting better. He is getting connected.


It's never too late to get intervention. I highly recommend this book, our chiropractor, and these centers.

Disconnected (part 1)

Aiden was the easiest baby. He was a great sleeper and always so happy, but when he was 9 months I started feeling uneasy. I had several friends with baby boys around his age and the summer before his first birthday I remember sitting in silence, paranoid with a million thoughts racing through my mind, at a play date. Aiden wasn't talking like them. He wasn't playing with them. He wasn't crawling. And the sting of the questions never went away; "How many words is he saying?"

I knew deep down things weren't right. Anytime I brought up my concern, people replied nicely with an "I'm sure he's fine. All kids are different and learn at their own pace." Which they are, and I know those responses came with the best intentions. But it was getting more serious. I knew with all of my being something wasn't right. Despite everyone else telling me to wait it out, I sought help. (Moms and dads, this is where you trust your instincts.) People want to believe the best and give advice. And in love they do that, but they aren't always right. When you have that gut feeling go with it. There was nothing to lose but everything to gain.

So I took it upon myself to contact Easter Seals and got Aiden in their ECI (Early Childhood Intervention) program at the age of 18 months. My concerns were confirmed in our first meeting with them. He was behind in speech and had many signs of being on the spectrum. He was enrolled in their program and immediately given speech and occupational therapy twice a week. As much as we saw some improvements, we also saw our little boy go from a carefree happy baby to a frustrated and angry little boy. Simple things weren't simple for him. It was very discouraging. He was disconnected.

It was a warm day in April when I met with the psychologist and teachers. It was that day the dreaded label was confirmed. Aiden had Autism. His specific diagnosis was Autism PDD NOS (Pervasive Development Disorder, Not Otherwise Specified) I knew this deep down for years, but in that moment it was made more real. I handled it better than I imagined I would, but I had to remind myself that Aiden was the same child and we just had a label to go off of to get him more help. Sadly I didn't handle the really hard days that well. I still wondered what his future looked like. Were these therapies even helping him? I hated Autism. I'm not going to sit here and pretend like I dealt with all of this well. I didn't. I was mad. I felt sorry for myself and envied every family with children that were "normal." I was exhausted and I wanted God to fix him. This would be a cycle that had lasted for 3 years and would continue. I would read about these families that saw Autism as a gift and it only made me feel worse about myself because I didn't see it that way. I didn't want to be a part of any of it. I didn't feel like we belonged. I had many angry conversations with God and I was ashamed of myself for that. Why couldn't I be like one of those people that just embraced it?

I kept waiting for change. Hoping that something would click. Aiden had been in public school for three years and he was still having trouble socially, verbally, emotionally, and was still behind on reading. The fits he was throwing would come out of nowhere and were impossible to control. Many days I wanted to walk out of the house the moment Justin arrived home from work. It's emotionally exhausting.

And that brings us to last October. I remember pouting to Justin the night I strained my back. I was super upset and very annoyed because it had ruined our plans of having the weekend without the kids. And it meant money to see a doctor and it was irritating to me that I wouldn't be able to exercise or get around easily for a while. How many times have we done this? Gotten so worked up over something that puts a wrench in our plans that we don't take the time to see what it could be for. Or not even that. Just to see it for exactly what it is. It was a strained back. I wasn't dying. We were all fine. But I chose to have a bad attitude about it. Did I need rest, a chance to get my back in good shape, and a moment to be thankful for what I had? Yes, I needed all of that. Sadly it took me awhile to get there. And little did I know all I was going to get out of this experience....

I had no idea that when I got the recommendation for my chiropractor how much it would change my life. I had a 6 week recovery time for my back heal. And I got something even better than healing for my own body. Through conversation with my doctor I brought up Aiden and his struggles. Dr. Gazhi recommended a book, Disconnected Kids by Doctor Robert Melillo. I ordered it right away and as I frantically read through each page light bulbs were going off. It made so much sense. I was scared though. Was this too good to be true? Exercising the side of the brain that was behind and changing his diet. Was this really the answer? Was this really going to work? Why had I not heard of this book before? He was disconnected... How were we going to get him back?

Join the Club

It’s amazing what a little bit of searching can do for you. I was reading through some blogs Friday and there were more than I can read of mothers and families writing about their experiences with a special needs child or children. The more I read the more I saw that these are very strong people with powerful struggles and stories. Life has handed them some pretty tough stuff. But what I’ve found is the majority of them are thankful and joyful. They haven’t made excuses or allowed life to stop just because it’s hard. They have made the choice to be a light to others just like themselves who are struggling in the same areas.

I started to feel myself becoming more thankful to be a part of this community. This isn’t really a “club” I ever thought I would be a part of, or would have wanted to be a part of. But for me to turn down the opportunity to go ahead and embrace it is silly. There are thousands of parents just like me and Justin out there. All I have to do is accept that I am part of it and it only does great things. It allows me to feel less alone. To know other moms are feeling the same way I do. And to hear stories that will crush my heart and bring me to tears, help me to remember to be thankful, and stories that will inspire me and make me want to fight harder for my son.

For about 5 years I have, in my heart, rejected the invitation to be a part of this community. I guess just deep down it was just hard to accept. I know I’ve complained a thousand times and wished this struggle wasn’t part of our world. Of course I pray for recovery for Aiden, but I know in this season I need to be a part of this community and all it has to offer. I’m ready to join. I’m ready to jump in and let them be there for me and I pray I can be that for them as well. It doesn’t mean that Aiden will struggle with the same things forever. It just means for right now I’m embracing all that Autism means. I have written about Aiden’s struggles and what it’s like, but in my heart I don’t think I had ever fully accepted it. I hadn’t accepted that I was part of this amazing community.

In the past several years I have met some pretty amazing people. Giving, selfless people we call Aiden’s teachers and therapists. On hard days it’s difficult to be so open to all of this, but on great days I’m thankful there is so much help for us and I can see the bigger picture. To see the beauty of humanity displayed through people doing their part to serve others. For the ones that don’t teach, they give gifts or words of kindness and encouragement which means more than they know. I am determined to let this part of our life be used for something. I will be joyful even through the dark days, I will encourage those who just can’t see past today. I want to give hope to them too. This part of our life might just be a bit more difficult. But if we are open to it, it will change us in ways nothing else can. For that I’m thankful. And in my heart I am letting go of certain expectations and choosing to join the club.

When it hurts.

Frustration turns to sadness turns to anger.  I’m too ashamed to share all that I’m feeling.   But in this moment I feel useless, broken, helpless, not qualified, defeated, and just mad.  I’m at a loss.  We are consistent with discipline and schedules, but something is off.  Something is very wrong and I can’t do anything to fix it.  This is our world of Autism.  I feel terrible for having these thoughts and all I want to do is run away.  I’m tired of the responsibilities and the stress.  I don’t feel like this is how it should be.  Having kids and it being difficult is one thing, but this is just not fair.  Most days I am proud of the mom I am, and then these days happen and I don’t feel like I have a clue what I’m doing.  I’m angry.  I’m past the point of asking God what I did to deserve this.  I know He doesn’t work that way.  Should I be praying more, believing more that He can heal Aiden.  Do I believe He can?  Obviously there is a lot to learn through this but I feel like I’ve gone through a whole lot of junk and I deserve a break. As I’m writing this I imagine some of you will be reading this possibly judging me, and your thoughts are something in the range of thinking that I’m an ungrateful person or that I need to suck it up and get over it...So if that is you I’m guessing you either don’t fully understand grace or you haven’t walked through really difficult life yet.  I think I may have been that person once, so for you I have grace.

That was written three nights ago, after multiple hours of Aiden’s screaming fits, disrespect, and out of control behavior. Instead of my previous routine of escaping stress and anger by going to food for comfort, this time I sat and embraced the pain.  Anger, streaming tears, questions, sadness.  All of it.

If you have gone through, or are going through something like this I’m sure you have had some of the same thoughts and wondered if that was okay. I’m still not brave enough to tell you what those thoughts and questions were, but if you are like me I think you probably already know what mine were.  I think there is grace for them.  I think and I hope God welcomes the questions and is there to comfort, not always give us an answer. I’m learning to give myself that same grace I would give others.  As much as I would love to be positive about this situation 100% of the time and embrace Autism as a gift; sometimes I just can’t.  And I know God is still there, even with my doubts and fears, comforting me and letting me ask anything.

I’m past the anger this morning. Once I got past all the whys I asked God, I was still.  I listened and tried to understand what God was feeling, what He was seeing.  No answer in that moment, but some comfort.  So sad knowing this won’t be the last time we have a very difficult night but knowing God is in it and hurting too.  Lovely responses came in after my desperate plea for prayer.  And I started to think about what my approach has been so far.  Have I been praying?  Have I even asked for a miracle?  I know God still does those, but do I believe that He could do it for Aiden?  Declaration was one of the words in a response.

So I’m declaring that I believe God can heal our little boy. With the help of therapies we are doing and God’s miracle working power.  I’m also declaring that I am qualified and strong enough to be his mom.  In the moments I don’t feel like I am, I will find a quiet place and let God be enough.  And a declaration of imperfection.  We all have questions and frustrations.  I think God gladly accepts those questions, knowing it’s a process to get to where we need to be and asking those helps us heal, steady our heart, and realize He is enough.


These lyrics from Kari Jobe’s song “Steady My Heart” say it perfectly.
Even when it hurts
Even when it’s hard
Even when it all just falls apart
I will run to you
Cause I know that You are
Lover of my soul
Healer of my scars
You steady my heart

The ugly A word...

That day was rough...part of me was so excited for Aiden to try out a Tae Kwon Do class, but most of me was extremely nervous.  It was so different from anything he had tried before.  So I attempted to prep him with some videos to give him a good idea of what it would be like.  He was somewhat grumpy and just not having it, but eventually calmed down and we talked about it more.  He was warming up to the idea and on our way he seemed excited and ready to try.  I was another story.  Throughout this whole few hours I'm about to lose it....just holding in the tears.  Ridiculous?  Maybe.  But having a child with sensory sensitivity who has a difficult time showing self control in new surroundings will do that to you.
We arrive and he waits for his class to start.  He has the cutest little smile and you can tell he is excited and nervous.  He goes into the class and sits as instructed.  He responds when asked his name.   Then the time came to begin in lines and I had to walk away.  I wanted so badly to run in there and hug him and tell him he could do it.  He was getting embarrassed and covering his ears from the noise of the kids shouting "yes sir."  I had to walk away with Ryan and just let him be.
About five minutes later he came out and said he wasn't good at it and he was done.  My heart was broken and at that point I'm carefully putting on a happy face.  I ask him to watch the other kids through the glass.  He continues to say he isn't good at it.  We try to explain to him those things take time.
When we got home I had to go in my room to be alone.  I was sad.  Sad quickly turned to mad.  I was just plain mad.  Mad that Aiden has Autism.  I asked God why about a thousand times, told him it's not fair, and just cried.  I was not sure it was doing me any good, but it did something.  The healing that came from working through all the emotions, and realizing nothing changes when I ask God why.  I mean if he literally gave me an answer, as if there were one, would it make things better?
Once I pulled myself together it was like God was saying the why doesn't matter, but let's focus on the how.  I know I will have more of those days.  The imperfect me is going to have another struggle and get mad.
 I had to pick myself up and remember if I constantly think "if only this wasn't a part of my life, then..."  it's always going to be something.  Instead I know I need to let God be enough.  Allow Him to be my strength, and be thankful He chose me to show how His strength is enough, and bring glory to Him even in dark and ugly situations.

What is it for you?  Is it lack of finances, a physical or mental struggle, a sick family member,  dysfunctional family.  The thing where your mind continuously goes to why and why me?  For me, at this point in life,  it's Autism.  And I have to quit going to God asking why and start asking God how.  With His strength and help how can I make Aiden's life easier and better and let this be something positive for him and others.  Not something perfect, but do what I can do and trust God with the rest.

 God doesn't always give you the answers, and people don't always have the answers, but with them we know we are not alone.  What are you going through?  Talk about it so you can heal.  What are those closest to you going through?  Do they know you are there, supporting them, even if it's just to listen?  Be there, not just to give answers, but to give your ears to allow them to hurt out loud and through that they can heal and move on to find their how.

I love this song by Fee.  When I fall apart, His arms hold me together...Through financial struggles, depression, and Autism...even though I ask why, I always come back to God's promise.

Eyes opened

Two nights ago we went to an Autism Awareness event. A night for kids to be themselves, surrounded by others just like them. As we walked in I immediately had a broken heart. Through this whole struggle with Aiden, all of the days feeling sorry for myself and being mentally exhausted, I have thought our situation was so difficult. My eyes were opened at this event. I saw so many kids with autism that weren't speaking normally but flapping their arms and even grunting; very low functioning. I couldn't stop watching them and their parents, as they so patiently followed them around, lovingly redirecting them. My heart was breaking into a million pieces. As I started to think of the days I have sat and cried over the struggle we go through with Aiden, I could imagine them doing the same thing. For the first time I saw a bigger struggle. A twenty four hour a day struggle. A lifelong struggle. For a moment I was angry at myself for ever thinking I had it bad. How dare I pity myself thinking my life was hard. But then I was reminded that I do have a struggle. It may not be "as difficult" as someone else's but it's still hard. I'm sure those parents see other people with difficult situations and think the same thing. We see other people and wonder how they make it through each day. I know I did this before Aiden was in our lives and thought I could never handle something like this. What I've found to be true is that God doesn't give us anything we can't handle. With His strength, and the love I have for my child I can do this. We all have a struggle and want to feel compassion from others and be understood. I know there are so many other issues people are dealing with that I have not a clue about. Even being in the world of Autism for over 3 years my eyes were just opened to a greater window of it. I want my eyes to opened to other things too. I don't want to be so wrapped up in my own stuff that I forget that others are dealing with tough stuff. I want to show compassion, even if I lack understanding. Just as I wish for others to understand the world of Autism, I know others are hoping for the same in their struggles. I can't know about all things but I can be kind in how I treat other people knowing everyone is going through something. And especially when that is someone that is close to me I can do something to support them and help them know I care.

Labeled

Three years ago I would have said you were insane if you had told me I would one day have a peace about our situation, that I would know that God has a plan in all of this and that it will be okay and I'm strong enough...

Most people may not understand how I can be having an experience like I am. I don't really know what it's like to have a 22 month old I can understand and who is already trying to talk in short sentences. It brings such happy tears to my eyes and erases some of my biggest fears. In the past 2 months I have seen Ryan go from talking in single words to adding them together and asking for things, and I get it! It's a miracle. I know for most families with 2 or more children it might sound kind of weird or silly because it's normal to you. All of your kids talked "on time" according to the milestones the doctor tells you about. For me it's a very different experience.

With our first son Aiden we had a rough beginning. It stung each and every time I heard a parent complain about how annoying it was that their child talked their ear off. Don’t get me wrong, I do have those days now. And I don’t hold judgement for those of us who complain. We are all imperfect and will have days we have had enough and that’s okay. Aiden has always been about 10 months-1 year behind in speech. So his first 3 years were pretty difficult. Lots of frustration for both of us. He was trying so hard to get through to me while I was struggling to understand him. We have a long road ahead of us and just had some tests done so we know exactly what we are dealing with. This past week I had a meeting with Aiden’s teacher, speech therapist, and the school psychologist to talk about Aiden’s diagnosis of Pervasive Development Disorder (The two main characteristics for the disorder are difficulties with social interaction skills and communication.) How I handled that meeting was not at all how I had pictured it three years ago. I was at ease and ready to listen to what we have to do to help Aiden be his best. I know God has a plan, the school has a plan, and with a lot of help and hard work he is going to be just fine . You can read more about PDD here, http://www.autismspeaks.org/

I know I am beyond blessed. There are so many mothers who have lost babies, or can't hold them because they have been in ICU since birth, or are struggling with physical problems beyond my imagination. I am by no means saying I have it the worst, I know for sure I don't, but it's still a very real struggle. That's why I have happy tears tonight. A big fear is slowly fading. A thought of "I could have done something different with Aiden" and “it was my fault for the speech delay”. “I should have talked more when he was an infant." I'm seeing now that his mind was just made differently than other children. It's not my fault and I'm seeing that God has a bigger plan than I do and He sees the miracles that I can't yet believe will happen. I'm so thankful for both of my amazing boys. Aiden, who is so full of smiles, love, and joy for life and Ryan who is the adventurer, always silly, and melts my heart with cuddles. I know there will be other struggles ahead, but for now I smile and cry happy tears knowing my baby Ryan won't have the frustration of not getting out what he is trying to communicate. To able to sit here today without sad tears streaming is a miracle. Am i sad, yes. Will I be okay? Of course. Is it fair? I don't know, but I know for sure I could have it a lot worse. Not to minimize my own problem, but saying it's not the end of the world. We will get through this and come out stronger, and Aiden will become who he is meant to be.
My heart hurts with all those parents that have bigger struggles than we will ever have, and pray for them that they would have strength, peace, and people around them that support and help them.
Thanks to all the amazing help from friends and the school district he will get help because of this "label".

"Never Waste a Good Crisis"

Hearing people talk about taking vacations, going to the movies, shopping, out to eat, or their four year olds reading, writing, and drawing pictures, I find myself getting upset. Where we are right now is so different. We know we made the right choice a year ago but I’m feeling lost and unsure what to do. Still searching for a job while almost broke and to go along with that we are still having to try ten times as hard as some parents to teach Aiden the same thing other kids his age learn with ease. This is my current crisis. Of course in comparison to other problems in the world it might look like nothing. But that's not what it's about. Your trial is the hardest thing at the time for you. I’m trying to remember and trust what God’s word says.

Romans 8:28 “And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.”

When Aiden was 15 months old I noticed something was different. He wasn't talking like the other babies and wasn’t hitting the milestones for speech. Everyone kept saying it's no big deal he will grow out of it. Well something inside me knew that wasn't true. I needed to get help. The months went by and kids his age continued to add words but Aiden didn't. He was so behind. For the longest time I could list off each word Aiden knew. For most parents that's impossible because their kids know so many words that they wouldn't be able to keep count. I always thought it was my fault. Did I not talk to him enough, did he watch too much t.v? Was God trying to teach me something? Surely I had done something wrong. The worst thing is when parents complain about how annoying it is that their child keeps talking and talking and just won’t be quiet. If only they knew how much I longed for that. I want to scream out of anger and frustration. Don't they understand that I'm praying for that very thing they are annoyed by?

I talked to some close friends and did a little research. We put Aiden in Easter Seals. He was in that program from the time he was 18 months until he turned 3. This past year he has been at Windermere Primary in a PPCD (Preschool Programs for Children with Disabilities) class, and wow has he progressed! He is an amazing, smart, fun, happy little boy with quite a strong will, but I am happy he is who he is no matter the struggles and amount of hard work we have to go through. Some days I'm feeling good about Aiden's progress, but other days I start comparing him to other kids and I fall back into the comparison trap that makes me feel inadequate and frustrated. I know God made Aiden in His image. I want to see Aiden as God does. I will keep praying and trying my best to be patient with him, myself and to see the positive side of this stage God has us in.

Take that crisis and add a financial one to it. A year ago Justin and I decided he would leave his job after 11 years and start a new journey. We didn't think it would take this long, but knew we heard God so we listened and obeyed. He has always taken care of us but lately my flesh is getting the best of me. We are so close to running out of money and I get so scared. As much as I love my own kids, God loves me so much more! So why would He ever let us go without? I know He won't, but I'm still fighting the fear.
Hebrews 13:5 “Let your character or moral disposition be free from love of money [including greed, avarice, lust, and craving for earthly possessions] and be satisfied with your present [circumstances and with what you have]; for He [God] Himself has said, I will not in any way fail you nor give you up nor leave you without support. [I will] not, [I will] not, [I will] not in any degree leave you helpless nor forsake nor let [you] down (relax My hold on you)! [Assuredly not!] 6 So we take comfort and are encouraged and confidently and boldly say, The Lord is my Helper; I will not be seized with alarm [I will not fear or dread or be terrified]. What can man do to me?”

Never waste a good crisis. As much as we hate trials, aren't we usually stronger and filled with more faith after we go through them. We like to say that we know what we are going through isn't as bad as what others are going through, but there is no reason to make light of our own crisis. It doesn't matter in comparison, it is a trial to you and it is tough stuff. I don't want to go through life brushing off my problems because I feel bad for complaining just because I'm not going through as rough of a time as others. It all matters to God and we can't just push it away because it will always come find us again. We have to address the issues and stop wondering if we are being punished. God isn't out to punish me for my past sins. I am going through what I am because of lots of different reasons. But I don't want to waste a crisis. I want to be a better person after it. I want to understand, trust, and love God more. As much as I have wished this past year hadn't been as hard, part of me is thankful that God allowed us to go through it. I hope that other people can see Him working through us and see that no matter what comes our way we will not give up on God. I am now able to be a support to others that go through postpartum depression, unemployment, or their child's speech delay. I can't look at those things and be bitter, feeling that God wasn't there. He along with amazing friends and family have been there for us. The creator of the universe makes himself small enough to be with us in your weakest moments.... I can't waste this crisis. I want to use it to have more faith and reach out to others who are struggling with theirs. I want to be more positive in the way I speak about everything. I want to lift others up and encourage. God has blessed me and I don't want to disrespect Him by putting down His work.

I'm reading this over and over to myself because I'm still in it. I'm worried and scared but trying my best to lean on Him.


James 1:2 “Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance.”
-The joy comes from what you take from the trial.

I am so glad I was able to hear this 3 part series at our church. Take the time and listen to it.

Never Waste a Good Crisis: Get Ready | June 13, 2010 from Gateway Church on Vimeo.