Stuck

Do you ever feel like you have something important to say but you are a little ashamed of yourself in that moment? I think I have about 13 drafts for different blog posts but I can't seem to finish any of them. If I don't even like myself right now why am I in a place to be sharing meaningful things?

That's where I've been the past month. I last wrote about Aiden's amazing progress, but he has a several bad days this summer. Okay way more than several. And I can't tell you that I've had the best response to all of it. So I have felt, at times, inadequate as a mother and unsure of the progress I was seeing in Aiden. Along with that I have been struggling with some anger and sadness about a situation and haven't been the best wife or friend. My mind has been consumed and I haven't been a giving person. So in the midst of these things I haven't felt qualified to write. But isn’t that why I’m here? Isn’t that why I write? So the ugly, challenging parts of life can be exposed so others don’t feel alone. I need this so I can remind myself and others that none of us are perfect. And remember I'm not in control; God is. But I have backed down from the very thing I want to convey on here. To be a truth teller and stop being ashamed of the feelings I have because of the difficulties that life brings. Because I believe exposing them and processing those things makes us stronger people. It changes us.

In my small group we just went through an amazing study by Jennie Allen called Stuck. And that's exactly where I have been...Stuck! I have felt very broken, mad, discontent, misunderstood, and confused. On some days I find myself whispering to God the only prayer I can seem to utter, "help me." As I listen to worship and pour out tears, I know He hears me. I've been in hard seasons before so I know I can get through this one too. But I have to allow him to help me. I haven't been doing that. I've been trying to control my own world and have stayed angry when I don't get the outcome I'm expecting. I'm trying to do it all on my own, believing I know what's best for myself when I know that doesn't work. In my anxiety filled days I've forgotten to trust God daily or allow Him to help me.

When we ended the study we talked about what we wanted to leave behind and what we wanted to move toward. I still was unsure what I even wanted. But after a conversation with a friend who gave me a different perspective of why I wasn't fully enjoying my life, it was very clear. My heart and mind had been a different place for so long that I wasn't appreciating the life I have been given. I know I need to leave behind the anxiety and the control I try to have on my life. When I live like that I lead myself into ugly places that steal my joy. So I'm moving toward closeness with God. Because in that I have true peace. I still have questions and frustrations, but I am clearer minded and more trusting.

Because in the end, when I strip everything away, I can't help but see a big God I can trust who can do big things. He meets me where I am and restores me. And I can clearly see His plan is always better than what I could imagine for myself. Sometimes I just have to get through the mess I have made for myself to see His goodness.

So although this isn't what I was hoping to post, it might meet some of you where you're at. If you're stuck like I have been I pray you know you're not alone and that you can go to God for help. Trust Him to change you through your struggle so you can be free.

Forgiveness

When you do things you aren't proud of it can be difficult to go back and ask for forgiveness. But it's required to be fully free. Sadly I have done a lot of hurtful things in life and have needed a lot of forgiveness. But I didn't always do my best asking for it. I avoided confrontation and hid my emotions; numb to life. I didn't know how to handle things so I just walked away. After a friendship of fifteen years there were disagreements and we went our separate ways; feelings very hurt.

Six years later healing began and friendship started again. I realize this isn't always the case. What do you do when you don't get that opportunity? Maybe you had the chance but you didn't take it. Then all those years later you are ready but the other person isn't willing. How do you deal with knowing you are sorry but don't have the opportunity to tell that person and receive forgiveness. Being remembered for someone you aren't anymore. I've found that I just have to receive the forgiveness from God and have comfort in that.

Thankfully today is a different story. Today I celebrate someone that I hurt many years ago; but our story has the best outcome. Six years were lost, but two people became stronger, wiser, and more in need of something special that began twenty seven years ago. It took time to heal and time to trust again but it has been worth it.

There is just never enough time when we are together. We can laugh about anything. We have serious life conversations, reflecting on the past, and remembering how thankful we are for healing. How often does someone have the same best friend from when they were five? Twenty seven years later we are here. We missed a few years and it took some time, but we are back. I don't even have to remind myself how special this is. I get it. Not everyone has this. It is really rare and special. Today I reflect on how thankful I am for that.

So Happy Birthday Pepper. This is your special day. A day all about you... for gifts, love, attention, time with family, celebration, everything. But today I write because of a gift you have given me. The gift of forgiveness and renewed friendship. I'm forever grateful for it. Thank you for amazing memories, unending laughs, and the opportunity to be my dorky self with you. And most of all, thank you for forgiving me. For seeing that I had changed and for allowing our friendship to be restored. I love you so much!

On Bread and Wine

It's no surprise we have moved away from the table. We have busy lives with lots of distractions, so we eat on the go or with our heads bowed to our phones or eyes glued to the tv. It's bothered me for awhile. I want the table back. For my own family and for yours. It's mostly what I've been thinking about since beginning my new food journey on the Paleo diet. Once I stopped eating emotionally and started treating my body in the way it was meant to be treated I allowed myself to slow down and enjoy food more. I felt better about myself and I began noticing textures and colors and really what food was meant for. I quit shoveling food into my mouth to numb the pain of life and started eating slowly only to be captivated by the tastes and smells and textures. I see now that food is not only meant to nourish and enjoy, but helps pave a way where we can gather at the table, be open, and invite each other to share life and and meaningful conversation. I want to stop and enjoy the moments we have around the table. We can't continue let those opportunities pass us by.

In her new book Bread and Wine, Shauna Niequist gives us an invitation to bring it all back. Bread and wine. The body and the blood. To give thanks for His sacrifice and to practice that by creating a space to listen, tell stories, show grace, and share life. To get to know the ones in front of us; no distractions. It's about being with those who can encourage you, those you can be an inspiration to, and those who just need someone to listen to them. It can happen around the table. And I don't think most of us are doing it. So let's slow down. Start with a simple meal and be with those you love. Feed them, listen to them, and enjoy the flavors and textures of the beautiful food God has provided. And grab Shauna's book, Bread and Wine. She is an amazing writer, someone I've never actually met but feel like I know. Reading her second book, Bittersweet, really made me feel like writing was something I could do. She is so honest. She shares not only the joyful parts of life but also the hard and the scary ones; and who we can become after enduring them. That's what I want to do.

In the introduction of Bread and Wine she reveals "This is a collection of essays about family, friendships, and the meals that bring us together. It's about the ways God teaches and nourishes us as we nourish the people around us, and about hunger, both physical and otherwise, and the connections between the two." And it truly is.

I came away from some chapters in tears, others laughing, and some so eager to set up a dinner party that moment or run to the pantry in hopes that I had all of the ingredients for the recipe I had just drooled over. The watermelon arugula salad is surprisingly delicious and, oh heavens, the dark chocolate sea salted toffee is amazing. I can't wait to dive into the pages of this book again and start cooking these lovely recipes while sharing life, love, and food.

And she ends so delicately with this, "It's about loving the people in your life by gathering them close into the private space of your home, about giving them soft places to land in hard seasons, about meeting their needs for food, for listening, for peace, for rest."

So thank you Shauna for allowing me to read an advanced copy so I could share about your lovely writing on here. You are an inspiration in so many ways. And thank you to my great friend Kat over at The Wifely Adventurer for introducing me to Shauna's writing two years ago. What a gift.

I invite you to grab her book on Amazon or her site then call some friends and tell them dinner is at six!

Grace to Give

I've been thinking about my mom a lot lately. Those thoughts and musings include reflecting on how different life might have been if she were still here, the things she would have taught me, the fights we would have had, the role she would have played as a grandma, and her killer...

In March of 1984 my mom was brutally murdered in our then city of Las Vegas. I was only two years old. I never struggled with anger or bitterness toward her killer or my situation and I'm not sure why. The details weren't presented to me and it may be because I wasn't fully aware of all that had happened. I was so young at the time of her death so life without a mom was just the way it had always been. It wasn't until recent years that I learned of the extremely gruesome details. When I did finally read the unimaginable story of the tragedy it was a little shocking to me how easy it was to forgive this man.

I lived many years hurting myself and other people. Doing some unthinkable things and continuing while knowing they were wrong. I ran from God and told Him I was better off without Him and what He had to offer. I was angry, full of guilt, and failing to enjoy life as I tried to change things on my own. I didn't truly understand grace so I didn't have any to give. I lived judging everyone, while in secret I was doing the very same things and worse. I ultimately came to a place where I realized what life was like without God. It was hell. And that's where I had to get before I realized what I needed; a lot of people do. I needed grace, or what the dictionary so beautifully describes as unmerited divine assistance given by God for sanctification. And I needed forgiveness. I was desperate for a fresh start. I got all of it. Not because I hadn't done certain things or because I'm special or different. I got it because I asked and I got it because it was available for me. God gave it all for people like me and you, and for people like my mother's killer. I can live today with no anger toward her killer because I know God does the same for me. Whether or not this man has accepted the forgiveness that God has for him I'm not sure. But I know it's available to him just as much as it is for me. And I am beyond grateful I truly understand grace and I have it to give.

When it hurts.

Frustration turns to sadness turns to anger.  I’m too ashamed to share all that I’m feeling.   But in this moment I feel useless, broken, helpless, not qualified, defeated, and just mad.  I’m at a loss.  We are consistent with discipline and schedules, but something is off.  Something is very wrong and I can’t do anything to fix it.  This is our world of Autism.  I feel terrible for having these thoughts and all I want to do is run away.  I’m tired of the responsibilities and the stress.  I don’t feel like this is how it should be.  Having kids and it being difficult is one thing, but this is just not fair.  Most days I am proud of the mom I am, and then these days happen and I don’t feel like I have a clue what I’m doing.  I’m angry.  I’m past the point of asking God what I did to deserve this.  I know He doesn’t work that way.  Should I be praying more, believing more that He can heal Aiden.  Do I believe He can?  Obviously there is a lot to learn through this but I feel like I’ve gone through a whole lot of junk and I deserve a break. As I’m writing this I imagine some of you will be reading this possibly judging me, and your thoughts are something in the range of thinking that I’m an ungrateful person or that I need to suck it up and get over it...So if that is you I’m guessing you either don’t fully understand grace or you haven’t walked through really difficult life yet.  I think I may have been that person once, so for you I have grace.

That was written three nights ago, after multiple hours of Aiden’s screaming fits, disrespect, and out of control behavior. Instead of my previous routine of escaping stress and anger by going to food for comfort, this time I sat and embraced the pain.  Anger, streaming tears, questions, sadness.  All of it.

If you have gone through, or are going through something like this I’m sure you have had some of the same thoughts and wondered if that was okay. I’m still not brave enough to tell you what those thoughts and questions were, but if you are like me I think you probably already know what mine were.  I think there is grace for them.  I think and I hope God welcomes the questions and is there to comfort, not always give us an answer. I’m learning to give myself that same grace I would give others.  As much as I would love to be positive about this situation 100% of the time and embrace Autism as a gift; sometimes I just can’t.  And I know God is still there, even with my doubts and fears, comforting me and letting me ask anything.

I’m past the anger this morning. Once I got past all the whys I asked God, I was still.  I listened and tried to understand what God was feeling, what He was seeing.  No answer in that moment, but some comfort.  So sad knowing this won’t be the last time we have a very difficult night but knowing God is in it and hurting too.  Lovely responses came in after my desperate plea for prayer.  And I started to think about what my approach has been so far.  Have I been praying?  Have I even asked for a miracle?  I know God still does those, but do I believe that He could do it for Aiden?  Declaration was one of the words in a response.

So I’m declaring that I believe God can heal our little boy. With the help of therapies we are doing and God’s miracle working power.  I’m also declaring that I am qualified and strong enough to be his mom.  In the moments I don’t feel like I am, I will find a quiet place and let God be enough.  And a declaration of imperfection.  We all have questions and frustrations.  I think God gladly accepts those questions, knowing it’s a process to get to where we need to be and asking those helps us heal, steady our heart, and realize He is enough.


These lyrics from Kari Jobe’s song “Steady My Heart” say it perfectly.
Even when it hurts
Even when it’s hard
Even when it all just falls apart
I will run to you
Cause I know that You are
Lover of my soul
Healer of my scars
You steady my heart

Sigh....

I sigh....What’s wrong. Absolutely nothing. But my soul is disturbed.

I am saved by grace. Justin has a great job & I am able to stay at home with our boys. We are paying off debt. We are healthy, we love our church, & we have great family and friends. We have made it through the hardest 2 years of our lives and come out stronger. We have enough. So what am I looking for? Am I even looking for something?
These were my exact thoughts and feelings a few weeks ago. I was fearing the depression was creeping back into my life. That could not happen. I beat it. That is over! So I asked one of the best prayer warriors I know, my mother in law, to pray. The next day her friend sent a devotion to her and said I needed to see it. Wow. There were no words, just tears and a squeal of joy over God’s perfect timing.
After reading this devotion it was very clear that this “sigh” I was feeling was a grieving. A grieving for those who don’t have God in their life.

“Why are you cast down, O my soul? And why are you disquieted within me? . . . O my God, my soul is cast down within me” (Psalm 42:5-6).

In the devotional No Name Infirmity, David Wilkerson says “I believe this strange infirmity is “the sighing of the Holy Spirit” within us. He is letting us know what it feels like to be without God—to be on our own, without comfort, hope or guidance. He allows us to experience just a taste of such an awful, horrible condition!”

All the things we deal with in this world... It's not what he wanted for us. But we chose to kick Him out of our lives and He has politely stepped back and let us have free will. This depressed like feeling is “the sighing of the Holy Spirit." He is allowing me to have a taste of what it’s like to be without Jesus and it’s terrifying. Even when I have gone through the toughest of situations I can’t imagine walking away from God and trying to do it on my own. It doesn’t make sense at all. Especially those that have once walked with God then turned away. What is life like after that? Well, I have been there. It is completely miserable and I will never try to live life without God again. It’s constantly looking to things or people to satisfy us, and they never will. There is always that longing for something else. That longing that God put in us, but it was meant for Him. He lets us have just a taste of what He feels when the world chooses to walk away from Him. I see our world, myself included when I get off track, looking to money and friends to make us happy only to find it doesn’t last very long. When will we learn? When will I learn? For those that have never known that relationship with God, I am so disheartened. There is that longing to fill a void but they go to the world for things that will never satisfy. But I know God calls us to show them what His love really is really like.
I’m thankful that I know where to turn in these moments. I can trust in Him and cry out to Him for strength and just be in His presence.