Stuck

Do you ever feel like you have something important to say but you are a little ashamed of yourself in that moment? I think I have about 13 drafts for different blog posts but I can't seem to finish any of them. If I don't even like myself right now why am I in a place to be sharing meaningful things?

That's where I've been the past month. I last wrote about Aiden's amazing progress, but he has a several bad days this summer. Okay way more than several. And I can't tell you that I've had the best response to all of it. So I have felt, at times, inadequate as a mother and unsure of the progress I was seeing in Aiden. Along with that I have been struggling with some anger and sadness about a situation and haven't been the best wife or friend. My mind has been consumed and I haven't been a giving person. So in the midst of these things I haven't felt qualified to write. But isn’t that why I’m here? Isn’t that why I write? So the ugly, challenging parts of life can be exposed so others don’t feel alone. I need this so I can remind myself and others that none of us are perfect. And remember I'm not in control; God is. But I have backed down from the very thing I want to convey on here. To be a truth teller and stop being ashamed of the feelings I have because of the difficulties that life brings. Because I believe exposing them and processing those things makes us stronger people. It changes us.

In my small group we just went through an amazing study by Jennie Allen called Stuck. And that's exactly where I have been...Stuck! I have felt very broken, mad, discontent, misunderstood, and confused. On some days I find myself whispering to God the only prayer I can seem to utter, "help me." As I listen to worship and pour out tears, I know He hears me. I've been in hard seasons before so I know I can get through this one too. But I have to allow him to help me. I haven't been doing that. I've been trying to control my own world and have stayed angry when I don't get the outcome I'm expecting. I'm trying to do it all on my own, believing I know what's best for myself when I know that doesn't work. In my anxiety filled days I've forgotten to trust God daily or allow Him to help me.

When we ended the study we talked about what we wanted to leave behind and what we wanted to move toward. I still was unsure what I even wanted. But after a conversation with a friend who gave me a different perspective of why I wasn't fully enjoying my life, it was very clear. My heart and mind had been a different place for so long that I wasn't appreciating the life I have been given. I know I need to leave behind the anxiety and the control I try to have on my life. When I live like that I lead myself into ugly places that steal my joy. So I'm moving toward closeness with God. Because in that I have true peace. I still have questions and frustrations, but I am clearer minded and more trusting.

Because in the end, when I strip everything away, I can't help but see a big God I can trust who can do big things. He meets me where I am and restores me. And I can clearly see His plan is always better than what I could imagine for myself. Sometimes I just have to get through the mess I have made for myself to see His goodness.

So although this isn't what I was hoping to post, it might meet some of you where you're at. If you're stuck like I have been I pray you know you're not alone and that you can go to God for help. Trust Him to change you through your struggle so you can be free.

Disconnected (part 2)

(If you missed Part 1, you can read it here)



Even after reading in Disconnected Kids about parents that were seeing their children come out of Autism, I was not sure it would work for us. But I was ready to try.....

I am very sure now. It was January when we began Aiden on his program. At that time he was not initiating much conversation, very rarely giving eye contact, he was throwing outrageous and uncontrollable tantrums, he was always tired, and pretty moody overall. At Aiden's first appointment with Dr.Gazhi there were multiple tests done to determine if we were looking to strengthen the left or right side of the brain. Dr.Gazhi checked his balance, hearing, eye coordination, posture, and strength on both sides of his body, among other things. Aiden was having a difficult time keeping eye contact, staying on the same subject of conversation, and sitting up straight, or showing much strength at all. After a couple of these diagnostic visits he started chiropractic adjustments as well as different therapies to start to strengthen his body and his brain

Three months into Aiden's new treatments it hit us. This was not too good to be true. This was working. We were realizing that Aiden was talking more, starting conversations and actually giving us details about his day. Instead of giving us an "I don't know answer" to almost everything, he was really communicating with us. He was having less fits, and he was looking people in the eye. He was starting conversations with people he didn't know. He was reading better and talking about his friends. This was all so new and so so wonderful. These therapies, along with a gluten free diet and supplements, were really helping. I was so excited.

Life has gotten easier, but we have to stick to a plan. We have to do therapy, and we have to do supplements. All the little details to make sure he can have the best possible day. When I get lazy I see the results of it through Aiden and it's not good. He still needs a very strict routine and consistency in his exercises, but he is a different kid than he was 6 months ago. And Aiden loves going to Dr.Gazhi, also known by him as the "game doctor." He runs in so excited to share the latest happenings of his life with Dr.Gazhi. We were stuck. He was disconnected until we found this doctor and this book that opened our eyes to see the tools we could use to help Aiden become connected. To feel better in his body and be more confident. I am so thankful for what brought me to this place. Even though I whined and complained about my back, I see how God used that to get us where we are.

Aiden has come a long way, but he is not where we want him to be and we still have some bad days. I know very well the glares and stares. The judgement of other people thinking I am not parenting my child well. I know, I have been one of them myself. Do me a favor; I will join you. When you are out and about and you see a child out of control, and most likely a worn out mom, please remember my Aiden. Spectrum disorder or not, they need grace. We don't know the details of their lives. We are seeing but a tiny glimpse. Give a smile and save your judgement. You never know what that person has gone through or is currently going through. Even if she isn't parenting well, it's not our job to fix them.

What is most important to me about all of this is the help we got for Aiden. I didn't know if it was ever going to happen. But I got even more out of it. Through this experience I was able to correct by back that had hurt me every single day for years, start on a new eating lifestyle that would clear my skin and help me lose weight, and be healthy; feeling better overall. But this has been more than getting healing for myself and my son. It's about learning to have a better attitude in these hard situations. It's about the amazing people that God brings into your life when you feel like there is no good that can come out of what you're going through. Even in times we feel there can be no life in what we are going through, like God must have made a mistake, we see Him at work in others and we see beauty come from pain. People are learning lessons from us by the strength we show through our struggles.

This is our story. We were frustrated, lost, and sad for the unknown. I'm so thankful for the day I strained my back. It brought me to the right person who handed us the keys to unlock our little boy. We are seeing Aiden, who was an angry, out of control child with Autism become happy, brighter, funny, and smarter. He is getting better. He is getting connected.


It's never too late to get intervention. I highly recommend this book, our chiropractor, and these centers.

Disconnected (part 1)

Aiden was the easiest baby. He was a great sleeper and always so happy, but when he was 9 months I started feeling uneasy. I had several friends with baby boys around his age and the summer before his first birthday I remember sitting in silence, paranoid with a million thoughts racing through my mind, at a play date. Aiden wasn't talking like them. He wasn't playing with them. He wasn't crawling. And the sting of the questions never went away; "How many words is he saying?"

I knew deep down things weren't right. Anytime I brought up my concern, people replied nicely with an "I'm sure he's fine. All kids are different and learn at their own pace." Which they are, and I know those responses came with the best intentions. But it was getting more serious. I knew with all of my being something wasn't right. Despite everyone else telling me to wait it out, I sought help. (Moms and dads, this is where you trust your instincts.) People want to believe the best and give advice. And in love they do that, but they aren't always right. When you have that gut feeling go with it. There was nothing to lose but everything to gain.

So I took it upon myself to contact Easter Seals and got Aiden in their ECI (Early Childhood Intervention) program at the age of 18 months. My concerns were confirmed in our first meeting with them. He was behind in speech and had many signs of being on the spectrum. He was enrolled in their program and immediately given speech and occupational therapy twice a week. As much as we saw some improvements, we also saw our little boy go from a carefree happy baby to a frustrated and angry little boy. Simple things weren't simple for him. It was very discouraging. He was disconnected.

It was a warm day in April when I met with the psychologist and teachers. It was that day the dreaded label was confirmed. Aiden had Autism. His specific diagnosis was Autism PDD NOS (Pervasive Development Disorder, Not Otherwise Specified) I knew this deep down for years, but in that moment it was made more real. I handled it better than I imagined I would, but I had to remind myself that Aiden was the same child and we just had a label to go off of to get him more help. Sadly I didn't handle the really hard days that well. I still wondered what his future looked like. Were these therapies even helping him? I hated Autism. I'm not going to sit here and pretend like I dealt with all of this well. I didn't. I was mad. I felt sorry for myself and envied every family with children that were "normal." I was exhausted and I wanted God to fix him. This would be a cycle that had lasted for 3 years and would continue. I would read about these families that saw Autism as a gift and it only made me feel worse about myself because I didn't see it that way. I didn't want to be a part of any of it. I didn't feel like we belonged. I had many angry conversations with God and I was ashamed of myself for that. Why couldn't I be like one of those people that just embraced it?

I kept waiting for change. Hoping that something would click. Aiden had been in public school for three years and he was still having trouble socially, verbally, emotionally, and was still behind on reading. The fits he was throwing would come out of nowhere and were impossible to control. Many days I wanted to walk out of the house the moment Justin arrived home from work. It's emotionally exhausting.

And that brings us to last October. I remember pouting to Justin the night I strained my back. I was super upset and very annoyed because it had ruined our plans of having the weekend without the kids. And it meant money to see a doctor and it was irritating to me that I wouldn't be able to exercise or get around easily for a while. How many times have we done this? Gotten so worked up over something that puts a wrench in our plans that we don't take the time to see what it could be for. Or not even that. Just to see it for exactly what it is. It was a strained back. I wasn't dying. We were all fine. But I chose to have a bad attitude about it. Did I need rest, a chance to get my back in good shape, and a moment to be thankful for what I had? Yes, I needed all of that. Sadly it took me awhile to get there. And little did I know all I was going to get out of this experience....

I had no idea that when I got the recommendation for my chiropractor how much it would change my life. I had a 6 week recovery time for my back heal. And I got something even better than healing for my own body. Through conversation with my doctor I brought up Aiden and his struggles. Dr. Gazhi recommended a book, Disconnected Kids by Doctor Robert Melillo. I ordered it right away and as I frantically read through each page light bulbs were going off. It made so much sense. I was scared though. Was this too good to be true? Exercising the side of the brain that was behind and changing his diet. Was this really the answer? Was this really going to work? Why had I not heard of this book before? He was disconnected... How were we going to get him back?

Forgiveness

When you do things you aren't proud of it can be difficult to go back and ask for forgiveness. But it's required to be fully free. Sadly I have done a lot of hurtful things in life and have needed a lot of forgiveness. But I didn't always do my best asking for it. I avoided confrontation and hid my emotions; numb to life. I didn't know how to handle things so I just walked away. After a friendship of fifteen years there were disagreements and we went our separate ways; feelings very hurt.

Six years later healing began and friendship started again. I realize this isn't always the case. What do you do when you don't get that opportunity? Maybe you had the chance but you didn't take it. Then all those years later you are ready but the other person isn't willing. How do you deal with knowing you are sorry but don't have the opportunity to tell that person and receive forgiveness. Being remembered for someone you aren't anymore. I've found that I just have to receive the forgiveness from God and have comfort in that.

Thankfully today is a different story. Today I celebrate someone that I hurt many years ago; but our story has the best outcome. Six years were lost, but two people became stronger, wiser, and more in need of something special that began twenty seven years ago. It took time to heal and time to trust again but it has been worth it.

There is just never enough time when we are together. We can laugh about anything. We have serious life conversations, reflecting on the past, and remembering how thankful we are for healing. How often does someone have the same best friend from when they were five? Twenty seven years later we are here. We missed a few years and it took some time, but we are back. I don't even have to remind myself how special this is. I get it. Not everyone has this. It is really rare and special. Today I reflect on how thankful I am for that.

So Happy Birthday Pepper. This is your special day. A day all about you... for gifts, love, attention, time with family, celebration, everything. But today I write because of a gift you have given me. The gift of forgiveness and renewed friendship. I'm forever grateful for it. Thank you for amazing memories, unending laughs, and the opportunity to be my dorky self with you. And most of all, thank you for forgiving me. For seeing that I had changed and for allowing our friendship to be restored. I love you so much!

On Bread and Wine

It's no surprise we have moved away from the table. We have busy lives with lots of distractions, so we eat on the go or with our heads bowed to our phones or eyes glued to the tv. It's bothered me for awhile. I want the table back. For my own family and for yours. It's mostly what I've been thinking about since beginning my new food journey on the Paleo diet. Once I stopped eating emotionally and started treating my body in the way it was meant to be treated I allowed myself to slow down and enjoy food more. I felt better about myself and I began noticing textures and colors and really what food was meant for. I quit shoveling food into my mouth to numb the pain of life and started eating slowly only to be captivated by the tastes and smells and textures. I see now that food is not only meant to nourish and enjoy, but helps pave a way where we can gather at the table, be open, and invite each other to share life and and meaningful conversation. I want to stop and enjoy the moments we have around the table. We can't continue let those opportunities pass us by.

In her new book Bread and Wine, Shauna Niequist gives us an invitation to bring it all back. Bread and wine. The body and the blood. To give thanks for His sacrifice and to practice that by creating a space to listen, tell stories, show grace, and share life. To get to know the ones in front of us; no distractions. It's about being with those who can encourage you, those you can be an inspiration to, and those who just need someone to listen to them. It can happen around the table. And I don't think most of us are doing it. So let's slow down. Start with a simple meal and be with those you love. Feed them, listen to them, and enjoy the flavors and textures of the beautiful food God has provided. And grab Shauna's book, Bread and Wine. She is an amazing writer, someone I've never actually met but feel like I know. Reading her second book, Bittersweet, really made me feel like writing was something I could do. She is so honest. She shares not only the joyful parts of life but also the hard and the scary ones; and who we can become after enduring them. That's what I want to do.

In the introduction of Bread and Wine she reveals "This is a collection of essays about family, friendships, and the meals that bring us together. It's about the ways God teaches and nourishes us as we nourish the people around us, and about hunger, both physical and otherwise, and the connections between the two." And it truly is.

I came away from some chapters in tears, others laughing, and some so eager to set up a dinner party that moment or run to the pantry in hopes that I had all of the ingredients for the recipe I had just drooled over. The watermelon arugula salad is surprisingly delicious and, oh heavens, the dark chocolate sea salted toffee is amazing. I can't wait to dive into the pages of this book again and start cooking these lovely recipes while sharing life, love, and food.

And she ends so delicately with this, "It's about loving the people in your life by gathering them close into the private space of your home, about giving them soft places to land in hard seasons, about meeting their needs for food, for listening, for peace, for rest."

So thank you Shauna for allowing me to read an advanced copy so I could share about your lovely writing on here. You are an inspiration in so many ways. And thank you to my great friend Kat over at The Wifely Adventurer for introducing me to Shauna's writing two years ago. What a gift.

I invite you to grab her book on Amazon or her site then call some friends and tell them dinner is at six!

This kind of love....

This kind of love it's what I dreamed about
Yeah it fills me up
Well baby it leaves no doubt
This kind of love it's why I'm standing here
It's something we can share
I can't get enough of this kind of love

(Chorus from "This Kind of Love" by Sister Hazel)

This really is what I dreamed about. To grow up, get married, and have kids. I am beyond blessed to be where I am today. Ten years with this amazing, patient, loving person I call my husband; who at times can of course drive me crazy (sorry newlyweds, it's true). He loves me so much and inspires me to be a better person. This love is only the beginning. We are finally getting a hang of this marriage thing, but I also know we have a long way to go. A lot more lessons to learn. Much more love to give.

Through heartache, loss, and disagreements we didn't leave. We didn't give up. We have enjoyed all the beautiful moments and endured the messy ones. And we have come out stronger. At times we were broken, but we were healed. Other times we didn't like each other, but we never gave up on love. We didn't allow the struggles to destroy something sacred. This kind of love will keep going. And this kind of love is what I continue to dream about. I can't wait to see what the next 10 years hold. Happy 10 Year Anniversary Justin. I love you!

Grace to Give

I've been thinking about my mom a lot lately. Those thoughts and musings include reflecting on how different life might have been if she were still here, the things she would have taught me, the fights we would have had, the role she would have played as a grandma, and her killer...

In March of 1984 my mom was brutally murdered in our then city of Las Vegas. I was only two years old. I never struggled with anger or bitterness toward her killer or my situation and I'm not sure why. The details weren't presented to me and it may be because I wasn't fully aware of all that had happened. I was so young at the time of her death so life without a mom was just the way it had always been. It wasn't until recent years that I learned of the extremely gruesome details. When I did finally read the unimaginable story of the tragedy it was a little shocking to me how easy it was to forgive this man.

I lived many years hurting myself and other people. Doing some unthinkable things and continuing while knowing they were wrong. I ran from God and told Him I was better off without Him and what He had to offer. I was angry, full of guilt, and failing to enjoy life as I tried to change things on my own. I didn't truly understand grace so I didn't have any to give. I lived judging everyone, while in secret I was doing the very same things and worse. I ultimately came to a place where I realized what life was like without God. It was hell. And that's where I had to get before I realized what I needed; a lot of people do. I needed grace, or what the dictionary so beautifully describes as unmerited divine assistance given by God for sanctification. And I needed forgiveness. I was desperate for a fresh start. I got all of it. Not because I hadn't done certain things or because I'm special or different. I got it because I asked and I got it because it was available for me. God gave it all for people like me and you, and for people like my mother's killer. I can live today with no anger toward her killer because I know God does the same for me. Whether or not this man has accepted the forgiveness that God has for him I'm not sure. But I know it's available to him just as much as it is for me. And I am beyond grateful I truly understand grace and I have it to give.