On Bread and Wine

It's no surprise we have moved away from the table. We have busy lives with lots of distractions, so we eat on the go or with our heads bowed to our phones or eyes glued to the tv. It's bothered me for awhile. I want the table back. For my own family and for yours. It's mostly what I've been thinking about since beginning my new food journey on the Paleo diet. Once I stopped eating emotionally and started treating my body in the way it was meant to be treated I allowed myself to slow down and enjoy food more. I felt better about myself and I began noticing textures and colors and really what food was meant for. I quit shoveling food into my mouth to numb the pain of life and started eating slowly only to be captivated by the tastes and smells and textures. I see now that food is not only meant to nourish and enjoy, but helps pave a way where we can gather at the table, be open, and invite each other to share life and and meaningful conversation. I want to stop and enjoy the moments we have around the table. We can't continue let those opportunities pass us by.

In her new book Bread and Wine, Shauna Niequist gives us an invitation to bring it all back. Bread and wine. The body and the blood. To give thanks for His sacrifice and to practice that by creating a space to listen, tell stories, show grace, and share life. To get to know the ones in front of us; no distractions. It's about being with those who can encourage you, those you can be an inspiration to, and those who just need someone to listen to them. It can happen around the table. And I don't think most of us are doing it. So let's slow down. Start with a simple meal and be with those you love. Feed them, listen to them, and enjoy the flavors and textures of the beautiful food God has provided. And grab Shauna's book, Bread and Wine. She is an amazing writer, someone I've never actually met but feel like I know. Reading her second book, Bittersweet, really made me feel like writing was something I could do. She is so honest. She shares not only the joyful parts of life but also the hard and the scary ones; and who we can become after enduring them. That's what I want to do.

In the introduction of Bread and Wine she reveals "This is a collection of essays about family, friendships, and the meals that bring us together. It's about the ways God teaches and nourishes us as we nourish the people around us, and about hunger, both physical and otherwise, and the connections between the two." And it truly is.

I came away from some chapters in tears, others laughing, and some so eager to set up a dinner party that moment or run to the pantry in hopes that I had all of the ingredients for the recipe I had just drooled over. The watermelon arugula salad is surprisingly delicious and, oh heavens, the dark chocolate sea salted toffee is amazing. I can't wait to dive into the pages of this book again and start cooking these lovely recipes while sharing life, love, and food.

And she ends so delicately with this, "It's about loving the people in your life by gathering them close into the private space of your home, about giving them soft places to land in hard seasons, about meeting their needs for food, for listening, for peace, for rest."

So thank you Shauna for allowing me to read an advanced copy so I could share about your lovely writing on here. You are an inspiration in so many ways. And thank you to my great friend Kat over at The Wifely Adventurer for introducing me to Shauna's writing two years ago. What a gift.

I invite you to grab her book on Amazon or her site then call some friends and tell them dinner is at six!

This kind of love....

This kind of love it's what I dreamed about
Yeah it fills me up
Well baby it leaves no doubt
This kind of love it's why I'm standing here
It's something we can share
I can't get enough of this kind of love

(Chorus from "This Kind of Love" by Sister Hazel)

This really is what I dreamed about. To grow up, get married, and have kids. I am beyond blessed to be where I am today. Ten years with this amazing, patient, loving person I call my husband; who at times can of course drive me crazy (sorry newlyweds, it's true). He loves me so much and inspires me to be a better person. This love is only the beginning. We are finally getting a hang of this marriage thing, but I also know we have a long way to go. A lot more lessons to learn. Much more love to give.

Through heartache, loss, and disagreements we didn't leave. We didn't give up. We have enjoyed all the beautiful moments and endured the messy ones. And we have come out stronger. At times we were broken, but we were healed. Other times we didn't like each other, but we never gave up on love. We didn't allow the struggles to destroy something sacred. This kind of love will keep going. And this kind of love is what I continue to dream about. I can't wait to see what the next 10 years hold. Happy 10 Year Anniversary Justin. I love you!

Grace to Give

I've been thinking about my mom a lot lately. Those thoughts and musings include reflecting on how different life might have been if she were still here, the things she would have taught me, the fights we would have had, the role she would have played as a grandma, and her killer...

In March of 1984 my mom was brutally murdered in our then city of Las Vegas. I was only two years old. I never struggled with anger or bitterness toward her killer or my situation and I'm not sure why. The details weren't presented to me and it may be because I wasn't fully aware of all that had happened. I was so young at the time of her death so life without a mom was just the way it had always been. It wasn't until recent years that I learned of the extremely gruesome details. When I did finally read the unimaginable story of the tragedy it was a little shocking to me how easy it was to forgive this man.

I lived many years hurting myself and other people. Doing some unthinkable things and continuing while knowing they were wrong. I ran from God and told Him I was better off without Him and what He had to offer. I was angry, full of guilt, and failing to enjoy life as I tried to change things on my own. I didn't truly understand grace so I didn't have any to give. I lived judging everyone, while in secret I was doing the very same things and worse. I ultimately came to a place where I realized what life was like without God. It was hell. And that's where I had to get before I realized what I needed; a lot of people do. I needed grace, or what the dictionary so beautifully describes as unmerited divine assistance given by God for sanctification. And I needed forgiveness. I was desperate for a fresh start. I got all of it. Not because I hadn't done certain things or because I'm special or different. I got it because I asked and I got it because it was available for me. God gave it all for people like me and you, and for people like my mother's killer. I can live today with no anger toward her killer because I know God does the same for me. Whether or not this man has accepted the forgiveness that God has for him I'm not sure. But I know it's available to him just as much as it is for me. And I am beyond grateful I truly understand grace and I have it to give.

On Food & Books

On Food-

So many of you have asked me about this "Paleo thing" I am doing. I don't write a lot about food on here, but Paleo for me is about so much more than food. I've said before I'm a sugar addict and I lived for so long using food to deal with emotions. I have dealt with acne for years, and have had a constant fight to lose weight only to gain it back after giving up trying to live without sugar. All of these things lead to me trying something different.

So I started the Paleo diet mainly to see if it would help my skin. I refused to go vegan, so it seemed like the most viable option. Basically it is eating only meat, eggs, vegetables, fruits, nuts, and seeds. I know, it sounds like torture and I was convinced it would be, but I was willing to try. I'm not going to lie, the first 10 days were not fun. I had to push through the lack of energy and sugar withdrawals. But once I made it past week two I got some energy and noticed my skin clearing up.

The 2 months leading up to my start date when I talked about it I wanted to cry. Food was a big part of my life. I planned holidays and get togethers around it. For me it was about the food. People too, of course, but the food was a biggie. I get that food is that way for most people, but it was extreme for me. I was addicted. And yes I did feel horrible after indulging in it too much but I was scared to give it up. It was my comfort in times of stress and sadness.

I told myself I would eat this way for 6 weeks and see what happened. After week one I was trying to talk myself into cutting it short, but by time I got to week 4 I was really loving it. I found myself not missing the foods I was most upset about giving up.

I am now in week 7 of eating Paleo. I have lost 11 pounds with very little exercise (that was not the plan, life has been a little busier than I thought so I haven't run as much as I would like to) and I feel really good about myself and am loving how good it feels not overindulging myself in high sugar foods. Do I still miss some things? Of course. But I am not controlled by food. I don't know for sure what this looks like for me long term, and I am not saying I will never eat bread or cheese or a cupcake again. But I can say I'm really loving this lifestyle and hope that I can do this at least 90% of the time.

Eating this way is hard work. There is a lot of planning, especially if you have to work or eat on the run. It does get so much easier the longer you do it, and I can say for sure I don't miss most processed foods, fast food, or my bloated stomach :)

On Books-

One of my goals for this year was to read one book at a time, not including the Bible (which I'm currently doing a reading plan on YouVersion to read the Bible through in a year). My pattern, before now, was reading about 4 books at a time. I found myself wanting to read so many because they are so good, but then can't finish them all because I'm doing too much. So I'm currently finishing up Love Does. I am cheating a little bit because I just couldn't help myself. I received an advanced copy of Bread and Wine and got so excited so I started that book while I finish up Love Does, a book everyone should read. I mean so so good. Here is my current book list some of you have asked for. If you have any amazing suggestions let me know. I'm always adding to my list.

1. Soul Revolution John Burke (finished)
2. Love Does Bob Goff (currently reading)
3. Wrecked Jeff Goins (halfway through)
4. Unglued Lysa Terkeurst (halfway through)
5. Bossy Pants Tina Fey
6. The Story
7. Crazy Love Francis Chan
8. One of Us Must Be Crazy....And I’m Pretty Sure It’s You Tim and Joy Downs
9. Staying Close Dennis and Barbara Rainey
10.The Life You’ve Always Wanted John Ortberg
11. Daring Greatly Dr. Brene Brown
12. A Million Miles in a Thousand Years Donald Miller
13. Bloom Kelly Hampton
14. Bread and Wine Shauna Nequist (available in April but just started reading my advanced copy so I can blog about it and post a review...coming soon.)
15. Start Jon Acuff (available in April)

So with that, think about what you are doing to care for yourself mentally, physically, and spiritually. We spend so much time caring for others, sometimes we forget about ourselves. We can best help others when we take care of ourselves first.

Join the Club

It’s amazing what a little bit of searching can do for you. I was reading through some blogs Friday and there were more than I can read of mothers and families writing about their experiences with a special needs child or children. The more I read the more I saw that these are very strong people with powerful struggles and stories. Life has handed them some pretty tough stuff. But what I’ve found is the majority of them are thankful and joyful. They haven’t made excuses or allowed life to stop just because it’s hard. They have made the choice to be a light to others just like themselves who are struggling in the same areas.

I started to feel myself becoming more thankful to be a part of this community. This isn’t really a “club” I ever thought I would be a part of, or would have wanted to be a part of. But for me to turn down the opportunity to go ahead and embrace it is silly. There are thousands of parents just like me and Justin out there. All I have to do is accept that I am part of it and it only does great things. It allows me to feel less alone. To know other moms are feeling the same way I do. And to hear stories that will crush my heart and bring me to tears, help me to remember to be thankful, and stories that will inspire me and make me want to fight harder for my son.

For about 5 years I have, in my heart, rejected the invitation to be a part of this community. I guess just deep down it was just hard to accept. I know I’ve complained a thousand times and wished this struggle wasn’t part of our world. Of course I pray for recovery for Aiden, but I know in this season I need to be a part of this community and all it has to offer. I’m ready to join. I’m ready to jump in and let them be there for me and I pray I can be that for them as well. It doesn’t mean that Aiden will struggle with the same things forever. It just means for right now I’m embracing all that Autism means. I have written about Aiden’s struggles and what it’s like, but in my heart I don’t think I had ever fully accepted it. I hadn’t accepted that I was part of this amazing community.

In the past several years I have met some pretty amazing people. Giving, selfless people we call Aiden’s teachers and therapists. On hard days it’s difficult to be so open to all of this, but on great days I’m thankful there is so much help for us and I can see the bigger picture. To see the beauty of humanity displayed through people doing their part to serve others. For the ones that don’t teach, they give gifts or words of kindness and encouragement which means more than they know. I am determined to let this part of our life be used for something. I will be joyful even through the dark days, I will encourage those who just can’t see past today. I want to give hope to them too. This part of our life might just be a bit more difficult. But if we are open to it, it will change us in ways nothing else can. For that I’m thankful. And in my heart I am letting go of certain expectations and choosing to join the club.

When it hurts.

Frustration turns to sadness turns to anger.  I’m too ashamed to share all that I’m feeling.   But in this moment I feel useless, broken, helpless, not qualified, defeated, and just mad.  I’m at a loss.  We are consistent with discipline and schedules, but something is off.  Something is very wrong and I can’t do anything to fix it.  This is our world of Autism.  I feel terrible for having these thoughts and all I want to do is run away.  I’m tired of the responsibilities and the stress.  I don’t feel like this is how it should be.  Having kids and it being difficult is one thing, but this is just not fair.  Most days I am proud of the mom I am, and then these days happen and I don’t feel like I have a clue what I’m doing.  I’m angry.  I’m past the point of asking God what I did to deserve this.  I know He doesn’t work that way.  Should I be praying more, believing more that He can heal Aiden.  Do I believe He can?  Obviously there is a lot to learn through this but I feel like I’ve gone through a whole lot of junk and I deserve a break. As I’m writing this I imagine some of you will be reading this possibly judging me, and your thoughts are something in the range of thinking that I’m an ungrateful person or that I need to suck it up and get over it...So if that is you I’m guessing you either don’t fully understand grace or you haven’t walked through really difficult life yet.  I think I may have been that person once, so for you I have grace.

That was written three nights ago, after multiple hours of Aiden’s screaming fits, disrespect, and out of control behavior. Instead of my previous routine of escaping stress and anger by going to food for comfort, this time I sat and embraced the pain.  Anger, streaming tears, questions, sadness.  All of it.

If you have gone through, or are going through something like this I’m sure you have had some of the same thoughts and wondered if that was okay. I’m still not brave enough to tell you what those thoughts and questions were, but if you are like me I think you probably already know what mine were.  I think there is grace for them.  I think and I hope God welcomes the questions and is there to comfort, not always give us an answer. I’m learning to give myself that same grace I would give others.  As much as I would love to be positive about this situation 100% of the time and embrace Autism as a gift; sometimes I just can’t.  And I know God is still there, even with my doubts and fears, comforting me and letting me ask anything.

I’m past the anger this morning. Once I got past all the whys I asked God, I was still.  I listened and tried to understand what God was feeling, what He was seeing.  No answer in that moment, but some comfort.  So sad knowing this won’t be the last time we have a very difficult night but knowing God is in it and hurting too.  Lovely responses came in after my desperate plea for prayer.  And I started to think about what my approach has been so far.  Have I been praying?  Have I even asked for a miracle?  I know God still does those, but do I believe that He could do it for Aiden?  Declaration was one of the words in a response.

So I’m declaring that I believe God can heal our little boy. With the help of therapies we are doing and God’s miracle working power.  I’m also declaring that I am qualified and strong enough to be his mom.  In the moments I don’t feel like I am, I will find a quiet place and let God be enough.  And a declaration of imperfection.  We all have questions and frustrations.  I think God gladly accepts those questions, knowing it’s a process to get to where we need to be and asking those helps us heal, steady our heart, and realize He is enough.


These lyrics from Kari Jobe’s song “Steady My Heart” say it perfectly.
Even when it hurts
Even when it’s hard
Even when it all just falls apart
I will run to you
Cause I know that You are
Lover of my soul
Healer of my scars
You steady my heart

Believe It

"Comparison is the thief of joy." -Theodore Roosevelt

We all struggle now and then believing great things about ourselves. Our culture and the enemy have put false ideas in our minds that we aren't good enough, and that if we were like the people we tend to obsess about we would be. This is so far from the truth.

The other day a friend and I were talking about my insecurity. For as long as I can remember I have put myself down, not seen myself as God and others do, and not taken compliments well. I know I'm not the only one. I believe it is because we are consistently looking to the wrong things to speak truth to us. Instead of God's word and the people closest to us being our biggest truth tellers we get lost in our culture and the outward appearance of others. We tend to beat ourselves up so much and think we should be like other people.

The greatest compliment I have ever received was from a close friend or a family member telling me that I'm a great mom. These people actually see me mother my children. For them to be around me, know me well, and to give me that compliment is huge. When someone close to you gives you a compliment take it. Believe it. And continue living to prove that it is true. When we don't accept God's daily grace and stop believing the best about ourselves we stop trying. I know. I've done it. When I put my focus on what I see on the outward appearances of these "perfect" families and marriages, that's what I spend my time thinking about and it steals the focus from my own family and marriage. That will then send me into thoughts that I'm not good enough and that something is wrong. This is not healthy. And when something isn't healthy it cannot grow.

Let's stop this. Stop the comparisons and beating ourselves up. Examine your life. Find your strengths and what gives you joy. Think of what you really love about yourself, and most of all who God says you are.


"Change your thoughts and you'll change your world." -Norman Vincent Peale

I'm still learning to be confident in who I am. But I am me so why not be be the best version I can be? If you don't like something about yourself, change it. Not striving to be like someone else or to please other people but to live out who God made you to be. Interrupt those lies you've been telling yourself over the years and believe what God says about you. Practice that and it will become who you are. You become what you believe about yourself. Make it positive. A daily reminder is necessary. I have scriptures written in my closet and at my desk. But I need more than that. I need to hear truth spoken to me daily, through worship and God's word. If I don't fill my mind with that truth, the ugliness of comparison will steal my joy, cause me to feel not good enough, and leave me wanting to be someone else.

So today I choose to take those compliments as truth. I am a great mother. But I can't stop there. I want to fill my mind and spirit up with the truth about who I really am as a child of God, a friend, a wife, a daughter. And on the days I don't feel like I measure up I need to ask God to help me believe I am who He says I am and ask Him what I can do to improve if I'm not giving my best. I want to be even better. Whatever it takes. I want my little boys to grow up and be secure in who they are because I taught them what God says about them and because they saw me living that out.

When we start believing the real truth about ourselves I think that's when we love more, have a deeper joy, and serve better. That's when we see our world change. Not hoping others will change but seeing the best in yourself and in others. If you don't like the story you are writing then change it. It's never too late to start writing a different story. Let grace be enough for you to move past the mistakes. Choose to be loving, joyful, peaceful, patient, kind, gentle, faithful, and someone with self control.
-Galatians 5:22



In the times where we do start believing the past things that God has forgiven, I have to ask him to remind me who I am and to help me to believe it.