On Food & Books

On Food-

So many of you have asked me about this "Paleo thing" I am doing. I don't write a lot about food on here, but Paleo for me is about so much more than food. I've said before I'm a sugar addict and I lived for so long using food to deal with emotions. I have dealt with acne for years, and have had a constant fight to lose weight only to gain it back after giving up trying to live without sugar. All of these things lead to me trying something different.

So I started the Paleo diet mainly to see if it would help my skin. I refused to go vegan, so it seemed like the most viable option. Basically it is eating only meat, eggs, vegetables, fruits, nuts, and seeds. I know, it sounds like torture and I was convinced it would be, but I was willing to try. I'm not going to lie, the first 10 days were not fun. I had to push through the lack of energy and sugar withdrawals. But once I made it past week two I got some energy and noticed my skin clearing up.

The 2 months leading up to my start date when I talked about it I wanted to cry. Food was a big part of my life. I planned holidays and get togethers around it. For me it was about the food. People too, of course, but the food was a biggie. I get that food is that way for most people, but it was extreme for me. I was addicted. And yes I did feel horrible after indulging in it too much but I was scared to give it up. It was my comfort in times of stress and sadness.

I told myself I would eat this way for 6 weeks and see what happened. After week one I was trying to talk myself into cutting it short, but by time I got to week 4 I was really loving it. I found myself not missing the foods I was most upset about giving up.

I am now in week 7 of eating Paleo. I have lost 11 pounds with very little exercise (that was not the plan, life has been a little busier than I thought so I haven't run as much as I would like to) and I feel really good about myself and am loving how good it feels not overindulging myself in high sugar foods. Do I still miss some things? Of course. But I am not controlled by food. I don't know for sure what this looks like for me long term, and I am not saying I will never eat bread or cheese or a cupcake again. But I can say I'm really loving this lifestyle and hope that I can do this at least 90% of the time.

Eating this way is hard work. There is a lot of planning, especially if you have to work or eat on the run. It does get so much easier the longer you do it, and I can say for sure I don't miss most processed foods, fast food, or my bloated stomach :)

On Books-

One of my goals for this year was to read one book at a time, not including the Bible (which I'm currently doing a reading plan on YouVersion to read the Bible through in a year). My pattern, before now, was reading about 4 books at a time. I found myself wanting to read so many because they are so good, but then can't finish them all because I'm doing too much. So I'm currently finishing up Love Does. I am cheating a little bit because I just couldn't help myself. I received an advanced copy of Bread and Wine and got so excited so I started that book while I finish up Love Does, a book everyone should read. I mean so so good. Here is my current book list some of you have asked for. If you have any amazing suggestions let me know. I'm always adding to my list.

1. Soul Revolution John Burke (finished)
2. Love Does Bob Goff (currently reading)
3. Wrecked Jeff Goins (halfway through)
4. Unglued Lysa Terkeurst (halfway through)
5. Bossy Pants Tina Fey
6. The Story
7. Crazy Love Francis Chan
8. One of Us Must Be Crazy....And I’m Pretty Sure It’s You Tim and Joy Downs
9. Staying Close Dennis and Barbara Rainey
10.The Life You’ve Always Wanted John Ortberg
11. Daring Greatly Dr. Brene Brown
12. A Million Miles in a Thousand Years Donald Miller
13. Bloom Kelly Hampton
14. Bread and Wine Shauna Nequist (available in April but just started reading my advanced copy so I can blog about it and post a review...coming soon.)
15. Start Jon Acuff (available in April)

So with that, think about what you are doing to care for yourself mentally, physically, and spiritually. We spend so much time caring for others, sometimes we forget about ourselves. We can best help others when we take care of ourselves first.

Join the Club

It’s amazing what a little bit of searching can do for you. I was reading through some blogs Friday and there were more than I can read of mothers and families writing about their experiences with a special needs child or children. The more I read the more I saw that these are very strong people with powerful struggles and stories. Life has handed them some pretty tough stuff. But what I’ve found is the majority of them are thankful and joyful. They haven’t made excuses or allowed life to stop just because it’s hard. They have made the choice to be a light to others just like themselves who are struggling in the same areas.

I started to feel myself becoming more thankful to be a part of this community. This isn’t really a “club” I ever thought I would be a part of, or would have wanted to be a part of. But for me to turn down the opportunity to go ahead and embrace it is silly. There are thousands of parents just like me and Justin out there. All I have to do is accept that I am part of it and it only does great things. It allows me to feel less alone. To know other moms are feeling the same way I do. And to hear stories that will crush my heart and bring me to tears, help me to remember to be thankful, and stories that will inspire me and make me want to fight harder for my son.

For about 5 years I have, in my heart, rejected the invitation to be a part of this community. I guess just deep down it was just hard to accept. I know I’ve complained a thousand times and wished this struggle wasn’t part of our world. Of course I pray for recovery for Aiden, but I know in this season I need to be a part of this community and all it has to offer. I’m ready to join. I’m ready to jump in and let them be there for me and I pray I can be that for them as well. It doesn’t mean that Aiden will struggle with the same things forever. It just means for right now I’m embracing all that Autism means. I have written about Aiden’s struggles and what it’s like, but in my heart I don’t think I had ever fully accepted it. I hadn’t accepted that I was part of this amazing community.

In the past several years I have met some pretty amazing people. Giving, selfless people we call Aiden’s teachers and therapists. On hard days it’s difficult to be so open to all of this, but on great days I’m thankful there is so much help for us and I can see the bigger picture. To see the beauty of humanity displayed through people doing their part to serve others. For the ones that don’t teach, they give gifts or words of kindness and encouragement which means more than they know. I am determined to let this part of our life be used for something. I will be joyful even through the dark days, I will encourage those who just can’t see past today. I want to give hope to them too. This part of our life might just be a bit more difficult. But if we are open to it, it will change us in ways nothing else can. For that I’m thankful. And in my heart I am letting go of certain expectations and choosing to join the club.

When it hurts.

Frustration turns to sadness turns to anger.  I’m too ashamed to share all that I’m feeling.   But in this moment I feel useless, broken, helpless, not qualified, defeated, and just mad.  I’m at a loss.  We are consistent with discipline and schedules, but something is off.  Something is very wrong and I can’t do anything to fix it.  This is our world of Autism.  I feel terrible for having these thoughts and all I want to do is run away.  I’m tired of the responsibilities and the stress.  I don’t feel like this is how it should be.  Having kids and it being difficult is one thing, but this is just not fair.  Most days I am proud of the mom I am, and then these days happen and I don’t feel like I have a clue what I’m doing.  I’m angry.  I’m past the point of asking God what I did to deserve this.  I know He doesn’t work that way.  Should I be praying more, believing more that He can heal Aiden.  Do I believe He can?  Obviously there is a lot to learn through this but I feel like I’ve gone through a whole lot of junk and I deserve a break. As I’m writing this I imagine some of you will be reading this possibly judging me, and your thoughts are something in the range of thinking that I’m an ungrateful person or that I need to suck it up and get over it...So if that is you I’m guessing you either don’t fully understand grace or you haven’t walked through really difficult life yet.  I think I may have been that person once, so for you I have grace.

That was written three nights ago, after multiple hours of Aiden’s screaming fits, disrespect, and out of control behavior. Instead of my previous routine of escaping stress and anger by going to food for comfort, this time I sat and embraced the pain.  Anger, streaming tears, questions, sadness.  All of it.

If you have gone through, or are going through something like this I’m sure you have had some of the same thoughts and wondered if that was okay. I’m still not brave enough to tell you what those thoughts and questions were, but if you are like me I think you probably already know what mine were.  I think there is grace for them.  I think and I hope God welcomes the questions and is there to comfort, not always give us an answer. I’m learning to give myself that same grace I would give others.  As much as I would love to be positive about this situation 100% of the time and embrace Autism as a gift; sometimes I just can’t.  And I know God is still there, even with my doubts and fears, comforting me and letting me ask anything.

I’m past the anger this morning. Once I got past all the whys I asked God, I was still.  I listened and tried to understand what God was feeling, what He was seeing.  No answer in that moment, but some comfort.  So sad knowing this won’t be the last time we have a very difficult night but knowing God is in it and hurting too.  Lovely responses came in after my desperate plea for prayer.  And I started to think about what my approach has been so far.  Have I been praying?  Have I even asked for a miracle?  I know God still does those, but do I believe that He could do it for Aiden?  Declaration was one of the words in a response.

So I’m declaring that I believe God can heal our little boy. With the help of therapies we are doing and God’s miracle working power.  I’m also declaring that I am qualified and strong enough to be his mom.  In the moments I don’t feel like I am, I will find a quiet place and let God be enough.  And a declaration of imperfection.  We all have questions and frustrations.  I think God gladly accepts those questions, knowing it’s a process to get to where we need to be and asking those helps us heal, steady our heart, and realize He is enough.


These lyrics from Kari Jobe’s song “Steady My Heart” say it perfectly.
Even when it hurts
Even when it’s hard
Even when it all just falls apart
I will run to you
Cause I know that You are
Lover of my soul
Healer of my scars
You steady my heart

Believe It

"Comparison is the thief of joy." -Theodore Roosevelt

We all struggle now and then believing great things about ourselves. Our culture and the enemy have put false ideas in our minds that we aren't good enough, and that if we were like the people we tend to obsess about we would be. This is so far from the truth.

The other day a friend and I were talking about my insecurity. For as long as I can remember I have put myself down, not seen myself as God and others do, and not taken compliments well. I know I'm not the only one. I believe it is because we are consistently looking to the wrong things to speak truth to us. Instead of God's word and the people closest to us being our biggest truth tellers we get lost in our culture and the outward appearance of others. We tend to beat ourselves up so much and think we should be like other people.

The greatest compliment I have ever received was from a close friend or a family member telling me that I'm a great mom. These people actually see me mother my children. For them to be around me, know me well, and to give me that compliment is huge. When someone close to you gives you a compliment take it. Believe it. And continue living to prove that it is true. When we don't accept God's daily grace and stop believing the best about ourselves we stop trying. I know. I've done it. When I put my focus on what I see on the outward appearances of these "perfect" families and marriages, that's what I spend my time thinking about and it steals the focus from my own family and marriage. That will then send me into thoughts that I'm not good enough and that something is wrong. This is not healthy. And when something isn't healthy it cannot grow.

Let's stop this. Stop the comparisons and beating ourselves up. Examine your life. Find your strengths and what gives you joy. Think of what you really love about yourself, and most of all who God says you are.


"Change your thoughts and you'll change your world." -Norman Vincent Peale

I'm still learning to be confident in who I am. But I am me so why not be be the best version I can be? If you don't like something about yourself, change it. Not striving to be like someone else or to please other people but to live out who God made you to be. Interrupt those lies you've been telling yourself over the years and believe what God says about you. Practice that and it will become who you are. You become what you believe about yourself. Make it positive. A daily reminder is necessary. I have scriptures written in my closet and at my desk. But I need more than that. I need to hear truth spoken to me daily, through worship and God's word. If I don't fill my mind with that truth, the ugliness of comparison will steal my joy, cause me to feel not good enough, and leave me wanting to be someone else.

So today I choose to take those compliments as truth. I am a great mother. But I can't stop there. I want to fill my mind and spirit up with the truth about who I really am as a child of God, a friend, a wife, a daughter. And on the days I don't feel like I measure up I need to ask God to help me believe I am who He says I am and ask Him what I can do to improve if I'm not giving my best. I want to be even better. Whatever it takes. I want my little boys to grow up and be secure in who they are because I taught them what God says about them and because they saw me living that out.

When we start believing the real truth about ourselves I think that's when we love more, have a deeper joy, and serve better. That's when we see our world change. Not hoping others will change but seeing the best in yourself and in others. If you don't like the story you are writing then change it. It's never too late to start writing a different story. Let grace be enough for you to move past the mistakes. Choose to be loving, joyful, peaceful, patient, kind, gentle, faithful, and someone with self control.
-Galatians 5:22



In the times where we do start believing the past things that God has forgiven, I have to ask him to remind me who I am and to help me to believe it.

Loving what is ours.

Some of you asked for it...so here it is! Our Chaotic Cathcart Family Picture. Here we are. Messy. Happy. Real. Loving what is ours. This isn't anything I had in mind for our Christmas picture, but it seems to display exactly what it needed to. Real life. Now I realize most people might have had several good pictures along with the out takes. Most of ours were just...well this. It was a crazy day where I had no control. There were fits thrown and tears shed. But in the end the picture is just a picture. A small glimpse of our life. There are definitely many smiles, joy, and love in our home. There is also chaos, fits thrown, and struggles to endure. This year I can't give you a perfect picture. And I'm okay with that. I think this has reminded me to love what is ours. Imperfections and all. So as we celebrate Christmas, in those times where I want to control the chaos and make for a pretty picture, I'm going to try and relax and let it happen. And focus on what this season is really about. It's about love coming into a dark, chaotic place. And I'm so grateful for that love; God's gift that has been my joy, even in the midst of chaos and unknown.
Wishing you a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.
Love, The Cathcarts

Outside of The Pain

Outside of the pain I can see lovely things. I see two beautiful healthy boys so full of life. An amazing husband who works harder than anyone I know. That same man is a wonderful daddy to those two amazing little boys. I see family that will never give up on us. I see God's unending, unconditional love for me. I see a story of strength given, difficulties overcome, and eyes reopened to grace and provision.

Inside of the pain these wonderful things became so cloudy that I lost sight of them. I couldn't see a day in front of me. My mind was so overwhelmed with darkness that any joy felt so out of reach. As hard as I tried to see it as God's perfect plan and timing, I struggled; struggled hard.

It was a fight to get outside the pain. Overcoming my doubt that something was really wrong and seeking help. And putting in a conscience effort to focus on the positive things in my life once I was on the road to recovery.

As I wrote this, one of my best friends was in the hospital. I hurt for her and prayed every hour that God would heal her body. I found myself going back to asking God why. I didn't understand it. I knew she didn't. I can remember the helplessness of being stuck and not knowing why I was there. Wishing it would end and crying each day begging God that He could do that for me. I have no answer for why I went through postpartum depression. I don't have an answer for why Joni had to deal with her sickness. But I do know I made it through. And she did too. I remember telling her often that she would make it, and believing for her when she didn't have the strength to do that herself. Knowing God had brought me through something so awful and painful I knew He would do it for her too. And that's what I needed to know in the dark months I went through. I needed to hear that other people had been through the same thing and made it to the other side. The scriptures and prayers did help, but it was knowing others had been there before and were okay that gave me strength. What I couldn't see in the worst of it was real life again. I really thought I was going to be stuck there forever. I needed to be reminded, that in fact I wouldn't.

Outside of the pain I see the real me. An over comer. I see beauty in the strength that was made in me. I have a greater love for God. I know a greater trust in God. I'm living these truths while there are some in my life going through hard things. I have to take myself back to that place and realize what they need. What I needed. I needed to know it wasn't forever. I needed to know I was in their thoughts. I didn't need answers, just ears to listen. And sometimes I literally just wanted a warm body in the room while I cried. No words. Just warm tears and a friend that understood that them just being there was healing for me. It was painfully hard for me to reach out. The majority of the time I needed friends to come to me. Knowing that I was hurting, but not having the strength to tell them I needed it. No judgement of why I wasn't myself, I needed grace and love. I want to be that for other people. To get outside my selfishness and show others God's love when they can't find it for themselves. Pray for them when they can't find the faith to believe. In the midst of their why's and emotional draining they need one of us to be there for them. We can't get so consumed with our own life that we forget other people have pain too. And let's stop assuming someone else will do it.

I have a handful of faithful friends who consistently reach out when I'm going through a rough time. I'm so grateful for them. I want to be like them. Bring yourself back to a place where you needed it. Be aware of what is going on in others lives and do what you can. Don't wait. Those in pain don't always know how to ask. I didn't.

Three years ago I was unable see beyond the pain. In that situation where my mind was not right, the pain seemed forever. Pain I've gone through since then has been different. I've battled to pray God's word and remember He is faithful. Just as Proverbs 31:15 says "she rises while it is yet night...", I want to continue to strive to do just that. In the midst of hardship and pain I want to rise above the negative thoughts and doubt, and praise God through it remembering He is faithful and true to His word. And I want to be that friend who will stand in the gap for those who can't see beyond their pain to believe God will bring them through it.

It doesn't always make sense....

There is nothing like cleaning out your closet and coming across old journals. The experience of being brought back in time is incredible. It's so neat to reflect on where I once was and what God has done since. I came upon one from Fall of 2008. It's crazy to look back at it now, 4 years later, and think about what God was up to. At the time Justin and I knew we would be leaving our church within the next year. It was an upcoming discussion that was going to happen. We were trying to have a baby, but had been unsuccessful for 6 months. I was confused, hurt, and questioning God; but at the same time still trying to trust Him. Kind of the cycle of my whole life; I asked God why a lot then too.

One thing that caught my heart was this entry on September 8th, 2008....
"I know you have the perfect plan and timing but I just can't see it right now. You know my desires and I feel so far away from my dream and I'm just discouraged. I don't understand your plan and why. Help me to have peace and patience in your perfect will. I know one day it will make sense, so in this time help me to trust you and lean on you as I hurt and am confused. I know you want great things for us."


And wow did it one day ever make sense! I know that's not true in every case. I don't think I can ever make sense of why my mother was murdered, why had to go through postpartum depression, or why Aiden is Autistic. In those situations I think we have a choice to make something good of it; allow God to make us better people out of the pain. But to think those kind of things might make sense is far off; at least for me.

The waiting and timeline of it all didn't make sense until Spring of 2010. When my mind was free from the depression I was able to see why. The timing couldn't have been more perfect. We left the church June 29th, 2009 and Ryan was born August 4th. At that time Aiden was almost too much for me to handle. He was receiving services with Easter Seals that were due to end on his third birthday, August 19th. He desperately needed therapy that I wasn't qualified to give. He started school just 8 days later (God knew with that birthday too). Justin didn't have a job for 4 months and as crazy as this sounds it was necessary. Dealing with the unknown depression, lack of sleep, the exhaustion when I went back to work when Ryan was 6 weeks old, it was a huge blessing he was home. As much as I didn't want to be patient while trying to conceive or be pregnant through the summer, the timing of everything is so beautiful now. I'm not overjoyed at the fact I went through the depression and that we dealt with little money and the temporary jobs Justin had, but the person I became after going through all of that is not someone I would have been without it. It is my story. So for that I would have to say I'm thankful.

The perfect job for Justin came 17 months after leaving our church. I definitely didn't understand the timing of that either, until the job came. The months of searching seemed unending and we wondered why it was taking so long. But where he is now is exactly where he needs and wants to be. So the fact that it took the time it did to bring him where he is, I'd say it was worth it.

Not everything will one day make sense. But some things will. And when there are questions I can always say to God, "I know you know what you are doing and I believe it will make sense one day." Even if it never does I will still choose to trust and praise Him anyway and let beauty come out of the ugliness life will bring.

When it doesn't make sense...I go to the word. It's the only thing that helps make sense of life, love, and God.

Proverbs 3:5-6 (NIV)
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him and He will make your paths straight.

Philippians 4:6-7 (NIV)
Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

What is it for you? Are you waiting for the perfect spouse? Are you trying to have children? Are you searching for a job? I believe we should do what we can and trust Him with the rest. He’s all knowing and loves us more than we can imagine. He truly wants the best for us. Trust Him.