The ugly A word...

That day was rough...part of me was so excited for Aiden to try out a Tae Kwon Do class, but most of me was extremely nervous.  It was so different from anything he had tried before.  So I attempted to prep him with some videos to give him a good idea of what it would be like.  He was somewhat grumpy and just not having it, but eventually calmed down and we talked about it more.  He was warming up to the idea and on our way he seemed excited and ready to try.  I was another story.  Throughout this whole few hours I'm about to lose it....just holding in the tears.  Ridiculous?  Maybe.  But having a child with sensory sensitivity who has a difficult time showing self control in new surroundings will do that to you.
We arrive and he waits for his class to start.  He has the cutest little smile and you can tell he is excited and nervous.  He goes into the class and sits as instructed.  He responds when asked his name.   Then the time came to begin in lines and I had to walk away.  I wanted so badly to run in there and hug him and tell him he could do it.  He was getting embarrassed and covering his ears from the noise of the kids shouting "yes sir."  I had to walk away with Ryan and just let him be.
About five minutes later he came out and said he wasn't good at it and he was done.  My heart was broken and at that point I'm carefully putting on a happy face.  I ask him to watch the other kids through the glass.  He continues to say he isn't good at it.  We try to explain to him those things take time.
When we got home I had to go in my room to be alone.  I was sad.  Sad quickly turned to mad.  I was just plain mad.  Mad that Aiden has Autism.  I asked God why about a thousand times, told him it's not fair, and just cried.  I was not sure it was doing me any good, but it did something.  The healing that came from working through all the emotions, and realizing nothing changes when I ask God why.  I mean if he literally gave me an answer, as if there were one, would it make things better?
Once I pulled myself together it was like God was saying the why doesn't matter, but let's focus on the how.  I know I will have more of those days.  The imperfect me is going to have another struggle and get mad.
 I had to pick myself up and remember if I constantly think "if only this wasn't a part of my life, then..."  it's always going to be something.  Instead I know I need to let God be enough.  Allow Him to be my strength, and be thankful He chose me to show how His strength is enough, and bring glory to Him even in dark and ugly situations.

What is it for you?  Is it lack of finances, a physical or mental struggle, a sick family member,  dysfunctional family.  The thing where your mind continuously goes to why and why me?  For me, at this point in life,  it's Autism.  And I have to quit going to God asking why and start asking God how.  With His strength and help how can I make Aiden's life easier and better and let this be something positive for him and others.  Not something perfect, but do what I can do and trust God with the rest.

 God doesn't always give you the answers, and people don't always have the answers, but with them we know we are not alone.  What are you going through?  Talk about it so you can heal.  What are those closest to you going through?  Do they know you are there, supporting them, even if it's just to listen?  Be there, not just to give answers, but to give your ears to allow them to hurt out loud and through that they can heal and move on to find their how.

I love this song by Fee.  When I fall apart, His arms hold me together...Through financial struggles, depression, and Autism...even though I ask why, I always come back to God's promise.

So yummy!

As much as I'm in love with food, I can't believe I don't blog more about it.  I guess my Instagram account fulfills that role.  My followers may or may not hate that.  I have fallen in love with this recipe.  So full of flavor and super healthy.  It's become a favorite in our home, and one of those that I want to wait to eat until my boys are in bed.  You know, so I can eat slowly, with my eyes closed (yes I totally do this) and enjoy each and every bite and flavor. Thanks again to Pinterest for helping me plan our weekly meals.  Enjoy!
http://www.mylifeasamrs.com/2011/05/sweet-potato-crusted-fish-with-cilantro-lime-vinaigrette.html

For Dad

"My Father didn't tell me how to live. He lived, and let me watch him do it." Clarence B Kelland

For having rules, staying true to your word, doing your best....Thank You

Thank you for....
the healthy meals I was forced to eat.
not allowing me to have the twenty dollars I begged for to go spend at the mall.
the road trips to Nebraska, even though John and I fought like cats and dogs.
not allowing fast food and other junk in our home.
telling me no when you knew it was best, and keeping your word.
pretending to love the dorky gifts we would get for you with your own money.
being so proud when I was in a beauty pageant.
being a huge supporter of me when I danced in high school.
letting me drive a piece of junk car.
allowing me to learn from my mistakes on my own.
making me sit at the table until I finished my broccoli.
being committed.
not giving in to my every whine and demand.
showing me what it looks like to be smart with money.
practicing self control.
all the vitamins I was forced to take, it meant doctor visits & sickness were rare.
letting me run to your room and hide under the covers during thunderstorms.
making mistakes and showing you are human too.
the twinkle in your eye and the giant smile when you see my sons.

Thank you for that. And thank you for understanding I didn't always mean what I said. I'm sorry for the many times I yelled I hate you. Hearing my son when he's mad say he doesn't love me hurts. Even though he is 5 and I know he doesn't mean it. Out of frustration I yelled a lot of things I didn't mean, rolled my eyes thinking I was right and you were wrong. I know now, you knew best.

And with mistakes there is grace. And I pray my kids give me that same grace because I surely need it. As parents we do the best we can at the time. We need lots of grace, lots of love, and lots of understanding. I find myself doing some of the same things you did. I'm so grateful I had a good example. Life wasn't easy but dad, you did good.

It's funny the phase we are in, so much of our kids antagonizing one another and I find myself sounding like you. I guess it happens to all of us. We get pay back, right? As I find myself super annoyed I laugh and remember when I was that age how horribly annoying I could be and you are probably laughing now knowing I'm getting my payback. I'm sure when the day comes that I have grandchildren I will be giggling thinking the same thing.

I see now that parents know better than young children. Yes, it's more work but it's worth it to be a person of your word. And to teach your children you don't have to give into every desire in the moment. Thank you for that.

"By the time a man realizes that maybe his father was right, he usually has a son who thinks he's wrong." -Charles Wadsworth

The Truth

You know the one or two, very rarely three, friends you can tell anything. They give you no judgement. Just love and the truth. Most importantly, the truth. Sure, we don’t always like to hear it but we need it. Although my very closest friends don’t live in the same city, I’m so grateful I can call them up in a second or email them with my raw emotions just so someone knows how I’m feeling. In return I don’t get a fluff answer. I get love, support, and the hard truth. In this season there’s been a lot of loneliness. No one ever tells you that when you become a stay at home mom you might struggle with loneliness. Add an amazing husband who works his butt off doing overtime to help pay off debt and that leaves you feeling even more lonely. That loneliness can turn into bitterness. "Doesn’t everyone know what I’m going through? They should be calling or coming over. After all, they do know my situation." So when it doesn’t happen I’m let down. And maybe I’m expecting too much of people. Others aren't in the same phase of life and don’t always respond in the same ways I would. And that can be hurtful. But if I’m putting all my worth in friends then I will continue to be let down. Yes, you need that support but they aren't there to fulfill you. I’m realizing after hearing back from a friend that I haven't been finding my whole worth in God. I have a long way to go. I've been focusing on what others aren't doing instead of looking to God to be enough. Yes I still think it’s hard if you don’t have friends supporting you like you would them, but it makes it so much better knowing God is really all you need anyway. I do still think friendships are very important. And having those few very close friends I can be totally open with is essential. We aren’t meant to do life alone, but they aren’t the foundation. I think I was looking more to people to fill the void instead of trusting God that He is enough. Just because some friends aren't there how I need them to be doesn't mean they don't care. It doesn't give me a reason slip into bitterness and depression. In those times I need to turn to God. So thank you Joni, for loving me enough to give me the truth. "Prayer may not change all things for you, but it sure changes you for all things." -John Mason

Nine

As we were approaching this day I was feeling quite different than I thought I would. In the recent months I’ve noticed, more than normal, people talking and posting about how wonderful their marriage is and how in love they are. So naturally I begin to examine my own life. I began wondering what was wrong with us? I didn’t “feel” in love. What happened to the spark? How do we get it back? Life definitely didn’t seem so carefree as it did when we got married. Then I remembered how much has changed. We are older, we have kids, and God has brought us through some tough stuff, and we are in a difficult season of long hours of work for Justin and long days at home for me. Of course it’s different. But I was still stuck. How did I get that “feeling” back?

Then I realized that’s not really what I needed. I had been looking at it all wrong. Seeing it for what it’s not and not for what it is. So thinking back over the last 9 years I know what it is. It’s love, laughter, tears, strength, hurt feelings, respect, imperfections, understanding, forgiveness, and commitment.....For better or worse

Our days have gone like this...

Days of bliss- our wedding day, the first year, vacations, buying our home...

Days we didn’t like each other- when the newness wore off, lack of communication that lead to us shutting down, miscommunication, bitterness, loss of intimacy at times, harsh words; forgetting we are in this together...

Days we won’t forget- the birth of Aiden and Ryan, trusting God when Justin left his job of 11 years, surgeries, sickness, the arduous days of my depression, the challenging year and half job search, trusting God to be our provider when we didn’t have enough...

The simple days- everyday, sharing our home, watching our favorite show together, driving to church, playing with our sons. Just being together...

Anything in life, when we start comparing ourselves, we will always fall short. At the end of the day I will take what we have over just a feeling. What we have is deeper. And even though we are in a tough season, we will make it through like we always have and grown closer because of it. I’ll take simple. I'll take messy. I’ll take us.

Sigh....

I sigh....What’s wrong. Absolutely nothing. But my soul is disturbed.

I am saved by grace. Justin has a great job & I am able to stay at home with our boys. We are paying off debt. We are healthy, we love our church, & we have great family and friends. We have made it through the hardest 2 years of our lives and come out stronger. We have enough. So what am I looking for? Am I even looking for something?
These were my exact thoughts and feelings a few weeks ago. I was fearing the depression was creeping back into my life. That could not happen. I beat it. That is over! So I asked one of the best prayer warriors I know, my mother in law, to pray. The next day her friend sent a devotion to her and said I needed to see it. Wow. There were no words, just tears and a squeal of joy over God’s perfect timing.
After reading this devotion it was very clear that this “sigh” I was feeling was a grieving. A grieving for those who don’t have God in their life.

“Why are you cast down, O my soul? And why are you disquieted within me? . . . O my God, my soul is cast down within me” (Psalm 42:5-6).

In the devotional No Name Infirmity, David Wilkerson says “I believe this strange infirmity is “the sighing of the Holy Spirit” within us. He is letting us know what it feels like to be without God—to be on our own, without comfort, hope or guidance. He allows us to experience just a taste of such an awful, horrible condition!”

All the things we deal with in this world... It's not what he wanted for us. But we chose to kick Him out of our lives and He has politely stepped back and let us have free will. This depressed like feeling is “the sighing of the Holy Spirit." He is allowing me to have a taste of what it’s like to be without Jesus and it’s terrifying. Even when I have gone through the toughest of situations I can’t imagine walking away from God and trying to do it on my own. It doesn’t make sense at all. Especially those that have once walked with God then turned away. What is life like after that? Well, I have been there. It is completely miserable and I will never try to live life without God again. It’s constantly looking to things or people to satisfy us, and they never will. There is always that longing for something else. That longing that God put in us, but it was meant for Him. He lets us have just a taste of what He feels when the world chooses to walk away from Him. I see our world, myself included when I get off track, looking to money and friends to make us happy only to find it doesn’t last very long. When will we learn? When will I learn? For those that have never known that relationship with God, I am so disheartened. There is that longing to fill a void but they go to the world for things that will never satisfy. But I know God calls us to show them what His love really is really like.
I’m thankful that I know where to turn in these moments. I can trust in Him and cry out to Him for strength and just be in His presence.

Wonder

Wonder:

-to think or speculate curiously
-to be filled with admiration, amazement, or awe; marvel
-to doubt

This year has been filled with wonder, wonder of all kinds. Overall I would say the amazement kind. I am so in awe of how God works things together and moves us through different stages of life to make us better. To make us stronger. To help us become willing to be used by Him.
It was a great year. We got snow! The Packers won The Superbowl (great for me, not so great for Justin.) Justin and I celebrated 8 years of marriage. In April I took a trip with some childhood friends to Chicago and then on to Illinois to see another get married. But at the end of that month we met with Aiden’s teachers, therapists, and school psychologist to hear Aiden’s diagnosis of Autism- Pervasive Development Disorder to be specific. I don't think I fully comprehended what that meant for us until the summer. I was challenged to show patience beyond what I can imagine. I failed many times but continue to try and focus on Aiden's strengths. Thankfully he is, and has always been, very high functioning, but we deal with many behavioral and social difficulties. He is such a sweet, smart little boy and with a lot of hard work and support he is going to be just fine. You can read some of my past blogs to learn a little more about that.
At the end of May I left Starbucks after 3 years. It wasn’t an easy decision but it was best. I was very unsure how I would replace that income and it took until the end of this year for that to happen, but as always God provided for our every need. One thing that did help supplement our income was something very unexpected. I began my business with Arbonne in July, and it’s been such a great experience for me. To be around such giving women and to be part of a team has been a huge blessing. The bonus is the paychecks and the amazing products.
At the end of the hottest summer I can remember, our boys had their birthdays. Ryan turned 2 and Aiden turned 5. I still can’t believe how fast they are growing up!
The fall and winter has been full of long days but great news. Justin received a wonderful promotion in October that answered years of prayer. Since stepping out in faith in July of 2009 we have had to trust God to make up for what we were lacking in finances. This raise was a big turning point for us. With that and Justin working 50-65 hour weeks we will be able to pay off our debt by this Spring! It’s been very difficult and tiring having 2 small children all day by myself, but I have a light at the end of the tunnel. I know this is temporary so I make it through the long days knowing this isn’t forever. I’m so thankful Justin is willing to take on so many hours to support us and go above and beyond.
All of my questions, my wondering of what God was up to....I may not get answers to all of them and that’s okay. Through it all, good and bad, God is still God and He is good! I’m excited for what 2012 holds. I know for sure it will be all of our debt gone and the rest I pray that whatever it is God would be glorified in all of it. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! Love Alanna, Justin, Aiden, and Ryan.