Thursday, August 25, 2011
I cannot explain my emotions other than that I feel free! It's been 18 long months of learning to adjust to feelings I can never explain and finally deciding to get on medication for postpartum depression. I have learned a lot and have a whole lot of compassion for anyone that deals with this awful illness. I have been off the medication for over three weeks and I feel that I can handle things without being overcome with anxiety and sadness. Even while stressed out I feel that it's so much easier to handle. Again, there is no way to explain how depression makes you feel. It's something you don't understand until you go through it. Very different from the "baby blues" which some moms go through. I'm not talking about the occasional sadness, but a mind debilitating feeling where nothing around you seems right. I've prayed a lot and have tons of support from others praying for me. I'm so thankful that I've come out of this, in the sense of being on a medication. I definitely have a part of me that fears it coming back but I'm taking steps to make sure I'm doing all I can to address it. As most stuff I have gone through, it's not something I would ever wish for myself or anyone else but now that I've gone through this I'm thankful for what I have learned from it. Whether that's to understand people or support others that go through the same thing I will allow God to use me in whatever way He chooses. He brought me out of this stronger, full of compassion and so grateful. I don't know that I would have gotten help if it weren't for two women in my life being honest about their situation. Even after that it took me 6 months to accept that this is what I was dealing with. I still look back with frustration that Ryan's first 6 months are a very cloudy memory to me but I try as much as I can to focus on the now. To enjoy the amazing little boy he has become and be open to talk to anyone who might be dealing with the same thing I did. I'm free, strong, and so thankful God never gives me more than I can handle.