Monday, March 22, 2010

Stop trying to do God's job

I am not qualified, not even a little bit. So why is it that I think I know what's best for me and that I can do God's job by trying to plan my life?
We have never regretted our decision of Justin moving on from his 11 years at GT Austin but I have definitely asked God "why", more than a million times. This isn't fair, why has life been so hard? Why have we not found our place yet? Why do we have to go through this? Why is my hard working, amazing husband being told that his 40 hours are being cut to 10? Why can't I explain to people what I am going through and help them understand what post-partum depression is, and that I can't "will myself to feel better"? Why do I want to run away and start over? Why have some friends quit on us? So many questions I don't have the answers to. I'm struggling to completely trust that God knows what He is doing, but somewhere in me I know He does... In a rough spot all around just trying to be patient and wait on the Lord.
Will this part be over soon? I'm not sure but while we are here I'm hoping to learn a lot and grow stronger. We are having a hard time "seeing the light at the end of the tunnel", but as my amazing mother in law always says, "This too shall pass."
"Surrender to a power greater than you. I'm limited, God is NOT. What is God calling you to let go of? Quit trying to do His job." -Rick Shurtz

Saturday, March 13, 2010

A fake smile

I have spent the last 7 months in denial that something was wrong... Most new moms who are so in love with their children have super emotional days and feel that life is over, right? Most people with major life changes have major meltdowns, right? Most mothers who have a child with a speech delay constantly battle with comparisons to other children and wonder what they did wrong, right? When the months pass and things get better but I still can't get it together, well it's just hormones right? When things are really great and my life is great, but instead I see a very cloudy view of myself, trapped and almost numb to life, unable to figure out what to do... that's normal right???...
For so many years I had a very wrong idea of what depression was. I thought that if people knew Jesus they should be able to "get it together", and wondered why they had to turn to medicine. I now unfortunately completely understand what these people were dealing with. I now know how it feels to have days with no emotion while thinking about the amazing family I am more than blessed to have, and know how it feels to fight with everything in me, every second of the day, to keep it together so my kids, family, and co workers don't notice something is wrong. I know what it feels like to be angry because friends don't call to check on me or hang out, to be in a constant battle of wanting to have days of purpose but instead I am left feeling helpless, unsure of how to do that. I'm tired of taking every opportunity to leave my house and take the boys to the store just to escape my thoughts. I'm tired of being a wife that now has the time to spend with my husband, but would rather go to bed so I could escape life... and my only answer to his sincere question of "what's wrong", is always "nothing...I don't know, I really don't know." I'm tired of being ashamed of what I'm dealing with.
Feeling alone and helpless I finally had the guts to reach out to some friends only to feel abandoned and not better. I wonder if I'm crazy, can I really just pray and make it go away....I have found that I can't. I now understand this is real and I finally took the step and talked to my doctor, talked to people who will listen and encourage me and help me get through it. I'm thankful for others who are sharing their struggles so I know I'm not the only one. I'm thankful for an amazing mother in law who understands all my sadness and frustration and prays her guts out for me, and for my husband who knows I'm not weird or crazy, even though I feel that way daily, and encourages me that we will get through this.
As I go through the process of healing from post-partum depression I look forward to really living life again. I can't see it yet, but I know I will...and when that happens my smile will be genuine.

Thursday, March 11, 2010

True Love

Oh what an amazing husband I have! He does so much that I too often take for granted. He did something especially lovely today :) After a long time of deciding whether or not to transfer to a different Starbucks I made the decision to move to a Round Rock store. I have worked at the other store for 2 years and it was so hard to leave the people I worked with and the amazing customers. I was sad today, being my last day there, but I know the decision is best for me and my family. Well I wasn't feeling the Starbucks love after my shift.... I guess I just thought I was an important part of something, but on my last day nothing was said and it just hurt. I talked to Justin when I got home and told him it was just a stinky way to leave my job, feeling unappreciated and unimportant. He went to work and called on his way home to tell me he had a surprise. He knows how to make me happy- with food! Haha. He brought me Mangia pizza and Sugar Mama's cupcakes....Delicious :D What a sweet husband! I'm so thankful for him!

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

simple and sweet

I can be a very complicated girl sometimes but I really do love the simple sweet things in life. The other day I was at Starbucks with Ryan and an old man was on his way out. He stopped for a moment and just smiled at Ryan and listened to him babble. As he walked away he look at me and so sincerely said thank you. To me it was such a sweet moment. There was so much appreciation for life and for that sweet simple moment to watch a baby and what pure joy they have. That made me think about so many things and how I appreciate them so much. I hope that I will live life and take the time to enjoy those simple sweet moments.