I have spent the last 7 months in denial that something was wrong... Most new moms who are so in love with their children have super emotional days and feel that life is over, right? Most people with major life changes have major meltdowns, right? Most mothers who have a child with a speech delay constantly battle with comparisons to other children and wonder what they did wrong, right? When the months pass and things get better but I still can't get it together, well it's just hormones right? When things are really great and my life is great, but instead I see a very cloudy view of myself, trapped and almost numb to life, unable to figure out what to do... that's normal right???...
For so many years I had a very wrong idea of what depression was. I thought that if people knew Jesus they should be able to "get it together", and wondered why they had to turn to medicine. I now unfortunately completely understand what these people were dealing with. I now know how it feels to have days with no emotion while thinking about the amazing family I am more than blessed to have, and know how it feels to fight with everything in me, every second of the day, to keep it together so my kids, family, and co workers don't notice something is wrong. I know what it feels like to be angry because friends don't call to check on me or hang out, to be in a constant battle of wanting to have days of purpose but instead I am left feeling helpless, unsure of how to do that. I'm tired of taking every opportunity to leave my house and take the boys to the store just to escape my thoughts. I'm tired of being a wife that now has the time to spend with my husband, but would rather go to bed so I could escape life... and my only answer to his sincere question of "what's wrong", is always "nothing...I don't know, I really don't know." I'm tired of being ashamed of what I'm dealing with.
Feeling alone and helpless I finally had the guts to reach out to some friends only to feel abandoned and not better. I wonder if I'm crazy, can I really just pray and make it go away....I have found that I can't. I now understand this is real and I finally took the step and talked to my doctor, talked to people who will listen and encourage me and help me get through it. I'm thankful for others who are sharing their struggles so I know I'm not the only one. I'm thankful for an amazing mother in law who understands all my sadness and frustration and prays her guts out for me, and for my husband who knows I'm not weird or crazy, even though I feel that way daily, and encourages me that we will get through this.
As I go through the process of healing from post-partum depression I look forward to really living life again. I can't see it yet, but I know I will...and when that happens my smile will be genuine.