Monday, October 28, 2013

I have moved!

Hey y'all! I have moved my blog over to Please visit me there and subscribe. You can also find me here on Facebook.

Thursday, October 3, 2013


“We're not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be” C.S. Lewis

I have always been someone who has encouraged people to let God be enough, but I am still struggling with truly believing and living that out myself. I'm scared to let go of things I want even though they don't seem to be in the plans for me. It seems silly to hold on to something that's not even mine; it's only brought anxiety and worry. I have spent years believing God for something and become so angry because it hasn't happened. A part of me believes that I know what's best for me and I have put my hope and happiness in the things I desire.

Sometimes to get to the best we have to go through the worst. And occasionally what we have in mind for what is best is in fact not as great as what God has in mind. Four years ago when Justin resigned from his job at our church I remember feeling at peace with the decision we had made. We were trusting God to bring us into a new beautiful season. But when it became a long grueling year and a half, it became very painful and I started to lose hope. We knew we had been obedient but couldn't understand why God hadn't yet provided the job we believed He had for Justin. At that time I was struggling with postpartum depression but somehow I still held onto the fact that God really was enough. He was providing for us and when we had nothing else to lean on He was there. Once the job came, understanding followed. We could see the passed up opportunities and closed doors as a blessing. God did want the best. We knew we were to step out in faith and believe God. We didn't do it perfectly and at times I wondered if God had forgotten us. I had to pray through it and remind myself that no matter what happened God was enough for us and God did in fact want the best for us. Where Justin is in his career was so worth the time it took to get there. The job he has now is better than we both had imagined for him.

God has been so faithful to me yet I still struggle sometimes believing He knows what He is doing. I'm having a hard time trying to let go of a certain expectation and remembering God is in control and He does want the best for me. I so desperately want Him to be enough. I need to come to the belief that He sees beyond what I can and He has something great for me, better than I have for myself. But even if He chooses not to bless me more than what I have now, He is more than I need.

If I’m being honest with myself, God has not been enough lately. I have been relying on attaining things to make me happy. I have not allowed God to be my joy. I don’t want to struggle with being unhappy because I depend on things to make my life complete. I want to live out what I tell other people. If this desire in my heart never comes to be I want to be so aware of how much God has blessed me and how much I love Him that I don't allow unmet expectations steal my joy. I want to be the kind of believer that doesn’t waver when things get hard. I want God to be enough for me.

Thursday, September 19, 2013

Daily grace

I felt like a big jerk. I wasn't very kind to my son Tuesday morning...over dirty finger nails that were too long. As I rushed him to allow me to trim his nails he sobbed "Now I can't scratch my back!" We ran out to the bus; nails still dirty. I hugged him and he was gone. I stood there ashamed, realizing I never gave him an opportunity to talk. I never asked him why he didn't want his nails cut. He wanted his nails so he could scratch his back. I wanted neat trimmed nails so he wasn't (maybe so I'm not) judged by teachers for not having clean fingers. Had I taken a moment to talk to him we could have compromised and just cleaned them. I of all people should know his mind works differently than mine. I'm still learning to listen before I act when he has a reason for wanting, or not wanting something, instead of assuming he's just being disobedient. Like so many times before I had to give myself grace. I knew as soon as I saw him after school he would give me grace too. And sure enough, He did.

Thursday, September 5, 2013


Today was the second day this week that I had four hours to myself. Ryan started preschool on Tuesday and he was beyond excited. I feel like I should have been too.

I think most mothers long for that day when the last child goes off to have time alone to herself to do whatever she wants, go back to school, or go back to work. I'm still not sure how I feel about it though. I shocked myself and didn't cry on Ryan's first day of school, but I'm not sure it has even hit me yet. I do get time to myself to spend with friends, write, or go shopping, but this alone time is different. This isn't me taking a break after a crazy day. I'm in a new season. Aiden is in second grade, and Ryan is in preschool two days a week. As much as it has been nice, it's been difficult too.

For the mothers that dream about the day their kids are in school and they will have freedom, I'm so happy for them when their time comes. I'm just not one of them. I haven't embraced the fact that my little boys are growing up. They say that it goes fast; whoever they is... but for me it went incredibly too fast. As I have my time alone, it's just me and my thoughts. I'm trying with all my might to make them positive, to see this time as an opportunity and a time of refreshing; and I know it will be. But my heart hasn't quite caught up with what I know is true. So on my days alone, if you see me and I'm not living it up as I should be, be patient and give me time. I will get there.

Thursday, August 22, 2013

5 days

5 days...Yes I am totally counting down. To be honest I have been for awhile. This summer has been difficult. It always is, but this one seemed especially challenging for Aiden. And when Aiden is having a hard time, we all have a hard time. If you have followed my posts about our journey with Autism then you might understand why it's been rough.

Summer is not my thing. After 3 months I start to forget what life was like during the school year. I question whether or not this is a new normal or if it's going to get better when we get back into our routine? It happens every summer, and it does get better. And this year is surely no exception, but part of me still struggles to believe it.

My 5 day countdown feels like eternity, especially after last night and this afternoon. I can't help but wonder if I will ever be able to escape the anxiety, sadness, anger, and doubt I feel while in the whirlwind of one of Aiden's fits when Autism takes over? In these painful moments I try and remind myself to have some perspective. I am really great at having perspective in the great moments, but during the out of control fits it’s hard to see it. I feel helpless and so confused as if I don't know my own child. I know God has equipped me to handle this, but I don't always feel it. I go through ridiculous thoughts like “Why couldn’t we have a different struggle to go through; why does it have to be this?”

That's where I am. I feel like in a lot of ways I failed this summer. I was not always present or enjoying the moments I was in, so I have been eagerly waiting this new season. I am ready for a schedule, routine, teachers to get advice from, and seeing more progress with our son. Five more days to wait for that, but tomorrow I am ready to be all there. I want to capture every smile and laugh. I want to fight the desire to escape if the day turns burdensome, and instead stay calm and work through it to see the bigger picture. I want to embrace the tough moments, although painful, and soak in the precious time I have with my boys.

Friday, August 16, 2013


Do you ever feel like you have something important to say but you are a little ashamed of yourself in that moment? I think I have about 13 drafts for different blog posts but I can't seem to finish any of them. If I don't even like myself right now why am I in a place to be sharing meaningful things?

That's where I've been the past month. I last wrote about Aiden's amazing progress, but he has a several bad days this summer. Okay way more than several. And I can't tell you that I've had the best response to all of it. So I have felt, at times, inadequate as a mother and unsure of the progress I was seeing in Aiden. Along with that I have been struggling with some anger and sadness about a situation and haven't been the best wife or friend. My mind has been consumed and I haven't been a giving person. So in the midst of these things I haven't felt qualified to write. But isn’t that why I’m here? Isn’t that why I write? So the ugly, challenging parts of life can be exposed so others don’t feel alone. I need this so I can remind myself and others that none of us are perfect. And remember I'm not in control; God is. But I have backed down from the very thing I want to convey on here. To be a truth teller and stop being ashamed of the feelings I have because of the difficulties that life brings. Because I believe exposing them and processing those things makes us stronger people. It changes us.

In my small group we just went through an amazing study by Jennie Allen called Stuck. And that's exactly where I have been...Stuck! I have felt very broken, mad, discontent, misunderstood, and confused. On some days I find myself whispering to God the only prayer I can seem to utter, "help me." As I listen to worship and pour out tears, I know He hears me. I've been in hard seasons before so I know I can get through this one too. But I have to allow him to help me. I haven't been doing that. I've been trying to control my own world and have stayed angry when I don't get the outcome I'm expecting. I'm trying to do it all on my own, believing I know what's best for myself when I know that doesn't work. In my anxiety filled days I've forgotten to trust God daily or allow Him to help me.

When we ended the study we talked about what we wanted to leave behind and what we wanted to move toward. I still was unsure what I even wanted. But after a conversation with a friend who gave me a different perspective of why I wasn't fully enjoying my life, it was very clear. My heart and mind had been a different place for so long that I wasn't appreciating the life I have been given. I know I need to leave behind the anxiety and the control I try to have on my life. When I live like that I lead myself into ugly places that steal my joy. So I'm moving toward closeness with God. Because in that I have true peace. I still have questions and frustrations, but I am clearer minded and more trusting.

Because in the end, when I strip everything away, I can't help but see a big God I can trust who can do big things. He meets me where I am and restores me. And I can clearly see His plan is always better than what I could imagine for myself. Sometimes I just have to get through the mess I have made for myself to see His goodness.

So although this isn't what I was hoping to post, it might meet some of you where you're at. If you're stuck like I have been I pray you know you're not alone and that you can go to God for help. Trust Him to change you through your struggle so you can be free.

Monday, July 15, 2013

Disconnected (part 2)

(If you missed Part 1, you can read it here)

Even after reading in Disconnected Kids about parents that were seeing their children come out of Autism, I was not sure it would work for us. But I was ready to try.....

I am very sure now. It was January when we began Aiden on his program. At that time he was not initiating much conversation, very rarely giving eye contact, he was throwing outrageous and uncontrollable tantrums, he was always tired, and pretty moody overall. At Aiden's first appointment with Dr.Gazhi there were multiple tests done to determine if we were looking to strengthen the left or right side of the brain. Dr.Gazhi checked his balance, hearing, eye coordination, posture, and strength on both sides of his body, among other things. Aiden was having a difficult time keeping eye contact, staying on the same subject of conversation, and sitting up straight, or showing much strength at all. After a couple of these diagnostic visits he started chiropractic adjustments as well as different therapies to start to strengthen his body and his brain

Three months into Aiden's new treatments it hit us. This was not too good to be true. This was working. We were realizing that Aiden was talking more, starting conversations and actually giving us details about his day. Instead of giving us an "I don't know answer" to almost everything, he was really communicating with us. He was having less fits, and he was looking people in the eye. He was starting conversations with people he didn't know. He was reading better and talking about his friends. This was all so new and so so wonderful. These therapies, along with a gluten free diet and supplements, were really helping. I was so excited.

Life has gotten easier, but we have to stick to a plan. We have to do therapy, and we have to do supplements. All the little details to make sure he can have the best possible day. When I get lazy I see the results of it through Aiden and it's not good. He still needs a very strict routine and consistency in his exercises, but he is a different kid than he was 6 months ago. And Aiden loves going to Dr.Gazhi, also known by him as the "game doctor." He runs in so excited to share the latest happenings of his life with Dr.Gazhi. We were stuck. He was disconnected until we found this doctor and this book that opened our eyes to see the tools we could use to help Aiden become connected. To feel better in his body and be more confident. I am so thankful for what brought me to this place. Even though I whined and complained about my back, I see how God used that to get us where we are.

Aiden has come a long way, but he is not where we want him to be and we still have some bad days. I know very well the glares and stares. The judgement of other people thinking I am not parenting my child well. I know, I have been one of them myself. Do me a favor; I will join you. When you are out and about and you see a child out of control, and most likely a worn out mom, please remember my Aiden. Spectrum disorder or not, they need grace. We don't know the details of their lives. We are seeing but a tiny glimpse. Give a smile and save your judgement. You never know what that person has gone through or is currently going through. Even if she isn't parenting well, it's not our job to fix them.

What is most important to me about all of this is the help we got for Aiden. I didn't know if it was ever going to happen. But I got even more out of it. Through this experience I was able to correct by back that had hurt me every single day for years, start on a new eating lifestyle that would clear my skin and help me lose weight, and be healthy; feeling better overall. But this has been more than getting healing for myself and my son. It's about learning to have a better attitude in these hard situations. It's about the amazing people that God brings into your life when you feel like there is no good that can come out of what you're going through. Even in times we feel there can be no life in what we are going through, like God must have made a mistake, we see Him at work in others and we see beauty come from pain. People are learning lessons from us by the strength we show through our struggles.

This is our story. We were frustrated, lost, and sad for the unknown. I'm so thankful for the day I strained my back. It brought me to the right person who handed us the keys to unlock our little boy. We are seeing Aiden, who was an angry, out of control child with Autism become happy, brighter, funny, and smarter. He is getting better. He is getting connected.

It's never too late to get intervention. I highly recommend this book, our chiropractor, and these centers.