The Truth

You know the one or two, very rarely three, friends you can tell anything. They give you no judgement. Just love and the truth. Most importantly, the truth. Sure, we don’t always like to hear it but we need it. Although my very closest friends don’t live in the same city, I’m so grateful I can call them up in a second or email them with my raw emotions just so someone knows how I’m feeling. In return I don’t get a fluff answer. I get love, support, and the hard truth. In this season there’s been a lot of loneliness. No one ever tells you that when you become a stay at home mom you might struggle with loneliness. Add an amazing husband who works his butt off doing overtime to help pay off debt and that leaves you feeling even more lonely. That loneliness can turn into bitterness. "Doesn’t everyone know what I’m going through? They should be calling or coming over. After all, they do know my situation." So when it doesn’t happen I’m let down. And maybe I’m expecting too much of people. Others aren't in the same phase of life and don’t always respond in the same ways I would. And that can be hurtful. But if I’m putting all my worth in friends then I will continue to be let down. Yes, you need that support but they aren't there to fulfill you. I’m realizing after hearing back from a friend that I haven't been finding my whole worth in God. I have a long way to go. I've been focusing on what others aren't doing instead of looking to God to be enough. Yes I still think it’s hard if you don’t have friends supporting you like you would them, but it makes it so much better knowing God is really all you need anyway. I do still think friendships are very important. And having those few very close friends I can be totally open with is essential. We aren’t meant to do life alone, but they aren’t the foundation. I think I was looking more to people to fill the void instead of trusting God that He is enough. Just because some friends aren't there how I need them to be doesn't mean they don't care. It doesn't give me a reason slip into bitterness and depression. In those times I need to turn to God. So thank you Joni, for loving me enough to give me the truth. "Prayer may not change all things for you, but it sure changes you for all things." -John Mason

Nine

As we were approaching this day I was feeling quite different than I thought I would. In the recent months I’ve noticed, more than normal, people talking and posting about how wonderful their marriage is and how in love they are. So naturally I begin to examine my own life. I began wondering what was wrong with us? I didn’t “feel” in love. What happened to the spark? How do we get it back? Life definitely didn’t seem so carefree as it did when we got married. Then I remembered how much has changed. We are older, we have kids, and God has brought us through some tough stuff, and we are in a difficult season of long hours of work for Justin and long days at home for me. Of course it’s different. But I was still stuck. How did I get that “feeling” back?

Then I realized that’s not really what I needed. I had been looking at it all wrong. Seeing it for what it’s not and not for what it is. So thinking back over the last 9 years I know what it is. It’s love, laughter, tears, strength, hurt feelings, respect, imperfections, understanding, forgiveness, and commitment.....For better or worse

Our days have gone like this...

Days of bliss- our wedding day, the first year, vacations, buying our home...

Days we didn’t like each other- when the newness wore off, lack of communication that lead to us shutting down, miscommunication, bitterness, loss of intimacy at times, harsh words; forgetting we are in this together...

Days we won’t forget- the birth of Aiden and Ryan, trusting God when Justin left his job of 11 years, surgeries, sickness, the arduous days of my depression, the challenging year and half job search, trusting God to be our provider when we didn’t have enough...

The simple days- everyday, sharing our home, watching our favorite show together, driving to church, playing with our sons. Just being together...

Anything in life, when we start comparing ourselves, we will always fall short. At the end of the day I will take what we have over just a feeling. What we have is deeper. And even though we are in a tough season, we will make it through like we always have and grown closer because of it. I’ll take simple. I'll take messy. I’ll take us.

Sigh....

I sigh....What’s wrong. Absolutely nothing. But my soul is disturbed.

I am saved by grace. Justin has a great job & I am able to stay at home with our boys. We are paying off debt. We are healthy, we love our church, & we have great family and friends. We have made it through the hardest 2 years of our lives and come out stronger. We have enough. So what am I looking for? Am I even looking for something?
These were my exact thoughts and feelings a few weeks ago. I was fearing the depression was creeping back into my life. That could not happen. I beat it. That is over! So I asked one of the best prayer warriors I know, my mother in law, to pray. The next day her friend sent a devotion to her and said I needed to see it. Wow. There were no words, just tears and a squeal of joy over God’s perfect timing.
After reading this devotion it was very clear that this “sigh” I was feeling was a grieving. A grieving for those who don’t have God in their life.

“Why are you cast down, O my soul? And why are you disquieted within me? . . . O my God, my soul is cast down within me” (Psalm 42:5-6).

In the devotional No Name Infirmity, David Wilkerson says “I believe this strange infirmity is “the sighing of the Holy Spirit” within us. He is letting us know what it feels like to be without God—to be on our own, without comfort, hope or guidance. He allows us to experience just a taste of such an awful, horrible condition!”

All the things we deal with in this world... It's not what he wanted for us. But we chose to kick Him out of our lives and He has politely stepped back and let us have free will. This depressed like feeling is “the sighing of the Holy Spirit." He is allowing me to have a taste of what it’s like to be without Jesus and it’s terrifying. Even when I have gone through the toughest of situations I can’t imagine walking away from God and trying to do it on my own. It doesn’t make sense at all. Especially those that have once walked with God then turned away. What is life like after that? Well, I have been there. It is completely miserable and I will never try to live life without God again. It’s constantly looking to things or people to satisfy us, and they never will. There is always that longing for something else. That longing that God put in us, but it was meant for Him. He lets us have just a taste of what He feels when the world chooses to walk away from Him. I see our world, myself included when I get off track, looking to money and friends to make us happy only to find it doesn’t last very long. When will we learn? When will I learn? For those that have never known that relationship with God, I am so disheartened. There is that longing to fill a void but they go to the world for things that will never satisfy. But I know God calls us to show them what His love really is really like.
I’m thankful that I know where to turn in these moments. I can trust in Him and cry out to Him for strength and just be in His presence.

Wonder

Wonder:

-to think or speculate curiously
-to be filled with admiration, amazement, or awe; marvel
-to doubt

This year has been filled with wonder, wonder of all kinds. Overall I would say the amazement kind. I am so in awe of how God works things together and moves us through different stages of life to make us better. To make us stronger. To help us become willing to be used by Him.
It was a great year. We got snow! The Packers won The Superbowl (great for me, not so great for Justin.) Justin and I celebrated 8 years of marriage. In April I took a trip with some childhood friends to Chicago and then on to Illinois to see another get married. But at the end of that month we met with Aiden’s teachers, therapists, and school psychologist to hear Aiden’s diagnosis of Autism- Pervasive Development Disorder to be specific. I don't think I fully comprehended what that meant for us until the summer. I was challenged to show patience beyond what I can imagine. I failed many times but continue to try and focus on Aiden's strengths. Thankfully he is, and has always been, very high functioning, but we deal with many behavioral and social difficulties. He is such a sweet, smart little boy and with a lot of hard work and support he is going to be just fine. You can read some of my past blogs to learn a little more about that.
At the end of May I left Starbucks after 3 years. It wasn’t an easy decision but it was best. I was very unsure how I would replace that income and it took until the end of this year for that to happen, but as always God provided for our every need. One thing that did help supplement our income was something very unexpected. I began my business with Arbonne in July, and it’s been such a great experience for me. To be around such giving women and to be part of a team has been a huge blessing. The bonus is the paychecks and the amazing products.
At the end of the hottest summer I can remember, our boys had their birthdays. Ryan turned 2 and Aiden turned 5. I still can’t believe how fast they are growing up!
The fall and winter has been full of long days but great news. Justin received a wonderful promotion in October that answered years of prayer. Since stepping out in faith in July of 2009 we have had to trust God to make up for what we were lacking in finances. This raise was a big turning point for us. With that and Justin working 50-65 hour weeks we will be able to pay off our debt by this Spring! It’s been very difficult and tiring having 2 small children all day by myself, but I have a light at the end of the tunnel. I know this is temporary so I make it through the long days knowing this isn’t forever. I’m so thankful Justin is willing to take on so many hours to support us and go above and beyond.
All of my questions, my wondering of what God was up to....I may not get answers to all of them and that’s okay. Through it all, good and bad, God is still God and He is good! I’m excited for what 2012 holds. I know for sure it will be all of our debt gone and the rest I pray that whatever it is God would be glorified in all of it. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! Love Alanna, Justin, Aiden, and Ryan.

Eyes opened

Two nights ago we went to an Autism Awareness event. A night for kids to be themselves, surrounded by others just like them. As we walked in I immediately had a broken heart. Through this whole struggle with Aiden, all of the days feeling sorry for myself and being mentally exhausted, I have thought our situation was so difficult. My eyes were opened at this event. I saw so many kids with autism that weren't speaking normally but flapping their arms and even grunting; very low functioning. I couldn't stop watching them and their parents, as they so patiently followed them around, lovingly redirecting them. My heart was breaking into a million pieces. As I started to think of the days I have sat and cried over the struggle we go through with Aiden, I could imagine them doing the same thing. For the first time I saw a bigger struggle. A twenty four hour a day struggle. A lifelong struggle. For a moment I was angry at myself for ever thinking I had it bad. How dare I pity myself thinking my life was hard. But then I was reminded that I do have a struggle. It may not be "as difficult" as someone else's but it's still hard. I'm sure those parents see other people with difficult situations and think the same thing. We see other people and wonder how they make it through each day. I know I did this before Aiden was in our lives and thought I could never handle something like this. What I've found to be true is that God doesn't give us anything we can't handle. With His strength, and the love I have for my child I can do this. We all have a struggle and want to feel compassion from others and be understood. I know there are so many other issues people are dealing with that I have not a clue about. Even being in the world of Autism for over 3 years my eyes were just opened to a greater window of it. I want my eyes to opened to other things too. I don't want to be so wrapped up in my own stuff that I forget that others are dealing with tough stuff. I want to show compassion, even if I lack understanding. Just as I wish for others to understand the world of Autism, I know others are hoping for the same in their struggles. I can't know about all things but I can be kind in how I treat other people knowing everyone is going through something. And especially when that is someone that is close to me I can do something to support them and help them know I care.

Not Forgotten

I'd like to think sometimes this is a very cruel joke. Still in debt. Not even living paycheck to paycheck. But worse, always behind. I feel like we are alone, but then again I know there are so many out there in the same boat. A job search that took longer than expected, and a depleted savings account forcing you to borrow from the next month, getting you deeper into debt. I have my days where I throw myself a pity party. Then I get over it and see that I have reminders all around me that God has blessed us and will continue to provide. But then there are days where doubt creeps up on me and I give in to it. I hate those days. I don't want to be a person that only has joy when life is good. I want to have joy in all things even if I lose everything.

As I talked with Justin the other night about my uncertainty of where I am and what I'm doing in life, and could I be doing more to help our situation, he reminded me that I already am. Being a mother and caring for our boys is my calling right now, and that's a very sacred thing. In the mundane, sometimes I feel as though I need to go do something to "save the world" or contribute more to our finances, but then I remember that I'm helping these little men to grow up knowing God loves them and is taking care of us. For me that is the most important thing I could be doing even though some days I feel very incapable and that it's not enough.

Justin told me that on his way home that God spoke a very simple phrase to him, "I have not forgotten you." I was brought to tears. At times when it feels you have been forgotten, God is carrying out His master plan. Just because I can't see the things to come doesn't mean He isn't putting things into place to have that outcome I'm praying for.

I realize there is not going to be a moment where I feel "we have arrived." There is always going to be a struggle, if not money then something else. I'm sure we will face more difficult situations so surely this is only practice for that. And as I always try to do, I will learn from this and show God is faithful in all things, He is still God, and He is all I need. If I can't have joy in this season of life then I have proven that my joy is in things and not in the Creator.

In the moments I struggle with being looked over I have to remember that He said "I have not forgotten you."




Hebrews 13:5-6 (AMP)

5Let your [a]character or moral disposition be free from love of money [including greed, avarice, lust, and craving for earthly possessions] and be satisfied with your present [circumstances and with what you have]; for He [God] [b]Himself has said, I will not in any way fail you nor [c]give you up nor leave you without support. [I will] not, [d][I will] not, [I will] not in any degree leave you helpless nor forsake nor [e]let [you] down ([f]relax My hold on you)! [[g]Assuredly not!]

6So we take comfort and are encouraged and confidently and boldly say, The Lord is my Helper; I will not be seized with alarm [I will not fear or dread or be terrified]. What can man do to me?

Free!

I cannot explain my emotions other than that I feel free! It's been 18 long months of learning to adjust to feelings I can never explain and finally deciding to get on medication for postpartum depression. I have learned a lot and have a whole lot of compassion for anyone that deals with this awful illness. I have been off the medication for over three weeks and I feel that I can handle things without being overcome with anxiety and sadness. Even while stressed out I feel that it's so much easier to handle. Again, there is no way to explain how depression makes you feel. It's something you don't understand until you go through it. Very different from the "baby blues" which some moms go through. I'm not talking about the occasional sadness, but a mind debilitating feeling where nothing around you seems right. I've prayed a lot and have tons of support from others praying for me. I'm so thankful that I've come out of this, in the sense of being on a medication. I definitely have a part of me that fears it coming back but I'm taking steps to make sure I'm doing all I can to address it. As most stuff I have gone through, it's not something I would ever wish for myself or anyone else but now that I've gone through this I'm thankful for what I have learned from it. Whether that's to understand people or support others that go through the same thing I will allow God to use me in whatever way He chooses. He brought me out of this stronger, full of compassion and so grateful. I don't know that I would have gotten help if it weren't for two women in my life being honest about their situation. Even after that it took me 6 months to accept that this is what I was dealing with. I still look back with frustration that Ryan's first 6 months are a very cloudy memory to me but I try as much as I can to focus on the now. To enjoy the amazing little boy he has become and be open to talk to anyone who might be dealing with the same thing I did. I'm free, strong, and so thankful God never gives me more than I can handle.