“We're not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be” C.S. Lewis
I have always been someone who has encouraged people to let God be enough, but I am still struggling with truly believing and living that out myself. I'm scared to let go of things I want even though they don't seem to be in the plans for me. It seems silly to hold on to something that's not even mine; it's only brought anxiety and worry. I have spent years believing God for something and become so angry because it hasn't happened. A part of me believes that I know what's best for me and I have put my hope and happiness in the things I desire.
Sometimes to get to the best we have to go through the worst. And occasionally what we have in mind for what is best is in fact not as great as what God has in mind. Four years ago when Justin resigned from his job at our church I remember feeling at peace with the decision we had made. We were trusting God to bring us into a new beautiful season. But when it became a long grueling year and a half, it became very painful and I started to lose hope. We knew we had been obedient but couldn't understand why God hadn't yet provided the job we believed He had for Justin. At that time I was struggling with postpartum depression but somehow I still held onto the fact that God really was enough. He was providing for us and when we had nothing else to lean on He was there. Once the job came, understanding followed. We could see the passed up opportunities and closed doors as a blessing. God did want the best. We knew we were to step out in faith and believe God. We didn't do it perfectly and at times I wondered if God had forgotten us. I had to pray through it and remind myself that no matter what happened God was enough for us and God did in fact want the best for us. Where Justin is in his career was so worth the time it took to get there. The job he has now is better than we both had imagined for him.
God has been so faithful to me yet I still struggle sometimes believing He knows what He is doing. I'm having a hard time trying to let go of a certain expectation and remembering God is in control and He does want the best for me. I so desperately want Him to be enough. I need to come to the belief that He sees beyond what I can and He has something great for me, better than I have for myself. But even if He chooses not to bless me more than what I have now, He is more than I need.
If I’m being honest with myself, God has not been enough lately. I have been relying on attaining things to make me happy. I have not allowed God to be my joy. I don’t want to struggle with being unhappy because I depend on things to make my life complete. I want to live out what I tell other people. If this desire in my heart never comes to be I want to be so aware of how much God has blessed me and how much I love Him that I don't allow unmet expectations steal my joy. I want to be the kind of believer that doesn’t waver when things get hard. I want God to be enough for me.