Friday, August 16, 2013


Do you ever feel like you have something important to say but you are a little ashamed of yourself in that moment? I think I have about 13 drafts for different blog posts but I can't seem to finish any of them. If I don't even like myself right now why am I in a place to be sharing meaningful things?

That's where I've been the past month. I last wrote about Aiden's amazing progress, but he has a several bad days this summer. Okay way more than several. And I can't tell you that I've had the best response to all of it. So I have felt, at times, inadequate as a mother and unsure of the progress I was seeing in Aiden. Along with that I have been struggling with some anger and sadness about a situation and haven't been the best wife or friend. My mind has been consumed and I haven't been a giving person. So in the midst of these things I haven't felt qualified to write. But isn’t that why I’m here? Isn’t that why I write? So the ugly, challenging parts of life can be exposed so others don’t feel alone. I need this so I can remind myself and others that none of us are perfect. And remember I'm not in control; God is. But I have backed down from the very thing I want to convey on here. To be a truth teller and stop being ashamed of the feelings I have because of the difficulties that life brings. Because I believe exposing them and processing those things makes us stronger people. It changes us.

In my small group we just went through an amazing study by Jennie Allen called Stuck. And that's exactly where I have been...Stuck! I have felt very broken, mad, discontent, misunderstood, and confused. On some days I find myself whispering to God the only prayer I can seem to utter, "help me." As I listen to worship and pour out tears, I know He hears me. I've been in hard seasons before so I know I can get through this one too. But I have to allow him to help me. I haven't been doing that. I've been trying to control my own world and have stayed angry when I don't get the outcome I'm expecting. I'm trying to do it all on my own, believing I know what's best for myself when I know that doesn't work. In my anxiety filled days I've forgotten to trust God daily or allow Him to help me.

When we ended the study we talked about what we wanted to leave behind and what we wanted to move toward. I still was unsure what I even wanted. But after a conversation with a friend who gave me a different perspective of why I wasn't fully enjoying my life, it was very clear. My heart and mind had been a different place for so long that I wasn't appreciating the life I have been given. I know I need to leave behind the anxiety and the control I try to have on my life. When I live like that I lead myself into ugly places that steal my joy. So I'm moving toward closeness with God. Because in that I have true peace. I still have questions and frustrations, but I am clearer minded and more trusting.

Because in the end, when I strip everything away, I can't help but see a big God I can trust who can do big things. He meets me where I am and restores me. And I can clearly see His plan is always better than what I could imagine for myself. Sometimes I just have to get through the mess I have made for myself to see His goodness.

So although this isn't what I was hoping to post, it might meet some of you where you're at. If you're stuck like I have been I pray you know you're not alone and that you can go to God for help. Trust Him to change you through your struggle so you can be free.

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