5 days...Yes I am totally counting down. To be honest I have been for awhile. This summer has been difficult. It always is, but this one seemed especially challenging for Aiden. And when Aiden is having a hard time, we all have a hard time. If you have followed my posts about our journey with Autism then you might understand why it's been rough.
Summer is not my thing. After 3 months I start to forget what life was like during the school year. I question whether or not this is a new normal or if it's going to get better when we get back into our routine? It happens every summer, and it does get better. And this year is surely no exception, but part of me still struggles to believe it.
My 5 day countdown feels like eternity, especially after last night and this afternoon. I can't help but wonder if I will ever be able to escape the anxiety, sadness, anger, and doubt I feel while in the whirlwind of one of Aiden's fits when Autism takes over? In these painful moments I try and remind myself to have some perspective. I am really great at having perspective in the great moments, but during the out of control fits it’s hard to see it. I feel helpless and so confused as if I don't know my own child. I know God has equipped me to handle this, but I don't always feel it. I go through ridiculous thoughts like “Why couldn’t we have a different struggle to go through; why does it have to be this?”
That's where I am. I feel like in a lot of ways I failed this summer. I was not always present or enjoying the moments I was in, so I have been eagerly waiting this new season. I am ready for a schedule, routine, teachers to get advice from, and seeing more progress with our son. Five more days to wait for that, but tomorrow I am ready to be all there. I want to capture every smile and laugh. I want to fight the desire to escape if the day turns burdensome, and instead stay calm and work through it to see the bigger picture. I want to embrace the tough moments, although painful, and soak in the precious time I have with my boys.
This summer has been long and painful and the lack of routine has driven me nearly crazy. I'm heartbroken to be using respit as much as I am. I should be able to be home with my daughter for full days but I can't. It isn't good for either of us. It is just so hard to admit. I'm counting down to the start of school too, nice to see I'm not the only one.
ReplyDeleteOh honey bunny, I know how frustrating it must be. My love, thoughts, and prayers are with you and His teachers!!
ReplyDelete