Labeled

Three years ago I would have said you were insane if you had told me I would one day have a peace about our situation, that I would know that God has a plan in all of this and that it will be okay and I'm strong enough...

Most people may not understand how I can be having an experience like I am. I don't really know what it's like to have a 22 month old I can understand and who is already trying to talk in short sentences. It brings such happy tears to my eyes and erases some of my biggest fears. In the past 2 months I have seen Ryan go from talking in single words to adding them together and asking for things, and I get it! It's a miracle. I know for most families with 2 or more children it might sound kind of weird or silly because it's normal to you. All of your kids talked "on time" according to the milestones the doctor tells you about. For me it's a very different experience.

With our first son Aiden we had a rough beginning. It stung each and every time I heard a parent complain about how annoying it was that their child talked their ear off. Don’t get me wrong, I do have those days now. And I don’t hold judgement for those of us who complain. We are all imperfect and will have days we have had enough and that’s okay. Aiden has always been about 10 months-1 year behind in speech. So his first 3 years were pretty difficult. Lots of frustration for both of us. He was trying so hard to get through to me while I was struggling to understand him. We have a long road ahead of us and just had some tests done so we know exactly what we are dealing with. This past week I had a meeting with Aiden’s teacher, speech therapist, and the school psychologist to talk about Aiden’s diagnosis of Pervasive Development Disorder (The two main characteristics for the disorder are difficulties with social interaction skills and communication.) How I handled that meeting was not at all how I had pictured it three years ago. I was at ease and ready to listen to what we have to do to help Aiden be his best. I know God has a plan, the school has a plan, and with a lot of help and hard work he is going to be just fine . You can read more about PDD here, http://www.autismspeaks.org/

I know I am beyond blessed. There are so many mothers who have lost babies, or can't hold them because they have been in ICU since birth, or are struggling with physical problems beyond my imagination. I am by no means saying I have it the worst, I know for sure I don't, but it's still a very real struggle. That's why I have happy tears tonight. A big fear is slowly fading. A thought of "I could have done something different with Aiden" and “it was my fault for the speech delay”. “I should have talked more when he was an infant." I'm seeing now that his mind was just made differently than other children. It's not my fault and I'm seeing that God has a bigger plan than I do and He sees the miracles that I can't yet believe will happen. I'm so thankful for both of my amazing boys. Aiden, who is so full of smiles, love, and joy for life and Ryan who is the adventurer, always silly, and melts my heart with cuddles. I know there will be other struggles ahead, but for now I smile and cry happy tears knowing my baby Ryan won't have the frustration of not getting out what he is trying to communicate. To able to sit here today without sad tears streaming is a miracle. Am i sad, yes. Will I be okay? Of course. Is it fair? I don't know, but I know for sure I could have it a lot worse. Not to minimize my own problem, but saying it's not the end of the world. We will get through this and come out stronger, and Aiden will become who he is meant to be.
My heart hurts with all those parents that have bigger struggles than we will ever have, and pray for them that they would have strength, peace, and people around them that support and help them.
Thanks to all the amazing help from friends and the school district he will get help because of this "label".

Are we there yet?

Little update for those wondering....Last year I told of my struggle with postpartum depression. There have been many ups and downs and through it all I have wondered if I would be on medication forever. That is the last thing I wanted, but decided if that's what I needed to do to be the best wife, mother, and friend then I could do it. It's taken a long time to come to terms with that; for someone who doesn't like taking ibuprofen for a headache.
A few months ago I started feeling a bit different. Almost like I was getting more depressed. So I went to the doctor and increased the meds a little, only to feel even worse. So I switched them back to the normal amount and felt like maybe this could be my body telling me it might be time to be okay on it's own. So stupidly I skipped three days in a row of my medication. Anyone on these type of medications knows better, but I guess in my stubbornness I thought I was an exception and could stop cold turkey....nope. That was very clear on the third day when I became very dizzy and lightheaded. So back on the medication I went but this time started weaning off of it slowly. And that's where I'm at now. Are we there yet? No. But close! Oh so close. It's been a long road but as I look back I can see knowledge gained, perspective changed, lessons learned, and a story to share.

Above and Beyond

What is the definition of a father? A man who loves and provides for his children? When Justin and I were engaged we went through pre-marital counseling so we would know what kind of expectations to have of each other once we were married and eventually had kids. You know things like who has kitchen duty, who cleans toilets, who makes dinner, how many kids do we have, who disciplines them....etc. Of course things change and you learn to adapt. One thing I knew from the beginning was that Justin would make a good father. What I didn't know was how much he would go above and beyond in being a great father.
As I write this I'm packing for a trip. I'm leaving for eight days to go to a childhood friend's wedding and spend time with other friends. Just me, yes my amazing husband is keeping our two boys at home with him. There is no anxiety, panic, or frantic planning. I don't have to write out a long detailed list of Aiden and Ryan's daily schedule or meal plans or fun things for them to do. He's got it. He is involved as much as I am and I'm beyond grateful and blessed. How in the world did I get so lucky to have an amazing partner in life. I know how big of a deal it is for him to take this on, it's a big job. But I don't have to worry because he does this often. I'm so thankful that we share the load and joys of parenting. When one of us can't handle it the other can take over so we can get back our sanity. Thank you Justin Taylor Cathcart for giving your all plus more in being a father. Our boys are in love with you and so am I.