That day was rough...part of me was so excited for Aiden to try out a Tae Kwon Do class, but most of me was extremely nervous. It was so different from anything he had tried before. So I attempted to prep him with some videos to give him a good idea of what it would be like. He was somewhat grumpy and just not having it, but eventually calmed down and we talked about it more. He was warming up to the idea and on our way he seemed excited and ready to try. I was another story. Throughout this whole few hours I'm about to lose it....just holding in the tears. Ridiculous? Maybe. But having a child with sensory sensitivity who has a difficult time showing self control in new surroundings will do that to you.
We arrive and he waits for his class to start. He has the cutest little smile and you can tell he is excited and nervous. He goes into the class and sits as instructed. He responds when asked his name. Then the time came to begin in lines and I had to walk away. I wanted so badly to run in there and hug him and tell him he could do it. He was getting embarrassed and covering his ears from the noise of the kids shouting "yes sir." I had to walk away with Ryan and just let him be.
About five minutes later he came out and said he wasn't good at it and he was done. My heart was broken and at that point I'm carefully putting on a happy face. I ask him to watch the other kids through the glass. He continues to say he isn't good at it. We try to explain to him those things take time.
When we got home I had to go in my room to be alone. I was sad. Sad quickly turned to mad. I was just plain mad. Mad that Aiden has Autism. I asked God why about a thousand times, told him it's not fair, and just cried. I was not sure it was doing me any good, but it did something. The healing that came from working through all the emotions, and realizing nothing changes when I ask God why. I mean if he literally gave me an answer, as if there were one, would it make things better?
Once I pulled myself together it was like God was saying the why doesn't matter, but let's focus on the how. I know I will have more of those days. The imperfect me is going to have another struggle and get mad.
I had to pick myself up and remember if I constantly think "if only this wasn't a part of my life, then..." it's always going to be something. Instead I know I need to let God be enough. Allow Him to be my strength, and be thankful He chose me to show how His strength is enough, and bring glory to Him even in dark and ugly situations.
What is it for you? Is it lack of finances, a physical or mental struggle, a sick family member, dysfunctional family. The thing where your mind continuously goes to why and why me? For me, at this point in life, it's Autism. And I have to quit going to God asking why and start asking God how. With His strength and help how can I make Aiden's life easier and better and let this be something positive for him and others. Not something perfect, but do what I can do and trust God with the rest.
God doesn't always give you the answers, and people don't always have the answers, but with them we know we are not alone. What are you going through? Talk about it so you can heal. What are those closest to you going through? Do they know you are there, supporting them, even if it's just to listen? Be there, not just to give answers, but to give your ears to allow them to hurt out loud and through that they can heal and move on to find their how.
I love this song by Fee. When I fall apart, His arms hold me together...Through financial struggles, depression, and Autism...even though I ask why, I always come back to God's promise.