Saturday, January 12, 2013

When it hurts.

Frustration turns to sadness turns to anger.  I’m too ashamed to share all that I’m feeling.   But in this moment I feel useless, broken, helpless, not qualified, defeated, and just mad.  I’m at a loss.  We are consistent with discipline and schedules, but something is off.  Something is very wrong and I can’t do anything to fix it.  This is our world of Autism.  I feel terrible for having these thoughts and all I want to do is run away.  I’m tired of the responsibilities and the stress.  I don’t feel like this is how it should be.  Having kids and it being difficult is one thing, but this is just not fair.  Most days I am proud of the mom I am, and then these days happen and I don’t feel like I have a clue what I’m doing.  I’m angry.  I’m past the point of asking God what I did to deserve this.  I know He doesn’t work that way.  Should I be praying more, believing more that He can heal Aiden.  Do I believe He can?  Obviously there is a lot to learn through this but I feel like I’ve gone through a whole lot of junk and I deserve a break. As I’m writing this I imagine some of you will be reading this possibly judging me, and your thoughts are something in the range of thinking that I’m an ungrateful person or that I need to suck it up and get over it...So if that is you I’m guessing you either don’t fully understand grace or you haven’t walked through really difficult life yet.  I think I may have been that person once, so for you I have grace.

That was written three nights ago, after multiple hours of Aiden’s screaming fits, disrespect, and out of control behavior. Instead of my previous routine of escaping stress and anger by going to food for comfort, this time I sat and embraced the pain.  Anger, streaming tears, questions, sadness.  All of it.

If you have gone through, or are going through something like this I’m sure you have had some of the same thoughts and wondered if that was okay. I’m still not brave enough to tell you what those thoughts and questions were, but if you are like me I think you probably already know what mine were.  I think there is grace for them.  I think and I hope God welcomes the questions and is there to comfort, not always give us an answer. I’m learning to give myself that same grace I would give others.  As much as I would love to be positive about this situation 100% of the time and embrace Autism as a gift; sometimes I just can’t.  And I know God is still there, even with my doubts and fears, comforting me and letting me ask anything.

I’m past the anger this morning. Once I got past all the whys I asked God, I was still.  I listened and tried to understand what God was feeling, what He was seeing.  No answer in that moment, but some comfort.  So sad knowing this won’t be the last time we have a very difficult night but knowing God is in it and hurting too.  Lovely responses came in after my desperate plea for prayer.  And I started to think about what my approach has been so far.  Have I been praying?  Have I even asked for a miracle?  I know God still does those, but do I believe that He could do it for Aiden?  Declaration was one of the words in a response.

So I’m declaring that I believe God can heal our little boy. With the help of therapies we are doing and God’s miracle working power.  I’m also declaring that I am qualified and strong enough to be his mom.  In the moments I don’t feel like I am, I will find a quiet place and let God be enough.  And a declaration of imperfection.  We all have questions and frustrations.  I think God gladly accepts those questions, knowing it’s a process to get to where we need to be and asking those helps us heal, steady our heart, and realize He is enough.

These lyrics from Kari Jobe’s song “Steady My Heart” say it perfectly.
Even when it hurts
Even when it’s hard
Even when it all just falls apart
I will run to you
Cause I know that You are
Lover of my soul
Healer of my scars
You steady my heart


  1. Thank you for your honesty and openness, Alanna!

  2. In agreement with you sweetheart.. sending up prayers for you, the family and precious Aiden.

  3. Alanna, I feel for you and I am you. Not with Autism but with extreme behavioral issues with my 13 yr. old. Dealing with any behavioral problems ,no matter what the cause, is so very difficult spiritually, physically, and emotionally. I have had your thoughts and I have had to learn to give grace not only to those who judge me or my son, but grace to myself for not being perfect. God knows even when we don't. He knew our child before he was even conceived. I am right there with you. I will pray for you and lift you. With God's peace and with others who will lift you, you can defeat this. I am speaking to myself as well. I deal with all of those emotions of anger, fear, defeat, confusion, frustration, despair, flight, rage even...You are not alone in this. I think this blog is a great release. I hope to see more posts.