Daily grace

I felt like a big jerk. I wasn't very kind to my son Tuesday morning...over dirty finger nails that were too long. As I rushed him to allow me to trim his nails he sobbed "Now I can't scratch my back!" We ran out to the bus; nails still dirty. I hugged him and he was gone. I stood there ashamed, realizing I never gave him an opportunity to talk. I never asked him why he didn't want his nails cut. He wanted his nails so he could scratch his back. I wanted neat trimmed nails so he wasn't (maybe so I'm not) judged by teachers for not having clean fingers. Had I taken a moment to talk to him we could have compromised and just cleaned them. I of all people should know his mind works differently than mine. I'm still learning to listen before I act when he has a reason for wanting, or not wanting something, instead of assuming he's just being disobedient. Like so many times before I had to give myself grace. I knew as soon as I saw him after school he would give me grace too. And sure enough, He did.

Alone

Today was the second day this week that I had four hours to myself. Ryan started preschool on Tuesday and he was beyond excited. I feel like I should have been too.

I think most mothers long for that day when the last child goes off to school....to have time alone to herself to do whatever she wants, go back to school, or go back to work. I'm still not sure how I feel about it though. I shocked myself and didn't cry on Ryan's first day of school, but I'm not sure it has even hit me yet. I do get time to myself to spend with friends, write, or go shopping, but this alone time is different. This isn't me taking a break after a crazy day. I'm in a new season. Aiden is in second grade, and Ryan is in preschool two days a week. As much as it has been nice, it's been difficult too.

For the mothers that dream about the day their kids are in school and they will have freedom, I'm so happy for them when their time comes. I'm just not one of them. I haven't embraced the fact that my little boys are growing up. They say that it goes fast; whoever they is... but for me it went incredibly too fast. As I have my time alone, it's just me and my thoughts. I'm trying with all my might to make them positive, to see this time as an opportunity and a time of refreshing; and I know it will be. But my heart hasn't quite caught up with what I know is true. So on my days alone, if you see me and I'm not living it up as I should be, be patient and give me time. I will get there.