I'd like to think sometimes this is a very cruel joke. Still in debt. Not even living paycheck to paycheck. But worse, always behind. I feel like we are alone, but then again I know there are so many out there in the same boat. A job search that took longer than expected, and a depleted savings account forcing you to borrow from the next month, getting you deeper into debt. I have my days where I throw myself a pity party. Then I get over it and see that I have reminders all around me that God has blessed us and will continue to provide. But then there are days where doubt creeps up on me and I give in to it. I hate those days. I don't want to be a person that only has joy when life is good. I want to have joy in all things even if I lose everything.
As I talked with Justin the other night about my uncertainty of where I am and what I'm doing in life, and could I be doing more to help our situation, he reminded me that I already am. Being a mother and caring for our boys is my calling right now, and that's a very sacred thing. In the mundane, sometimes I feel as though I need to go do something to "save the world" or contribute more to our finances, but then I remember that I'm helping these little men to grow up knowing God loves them and is taking care of us. For me that is the most important thing I could be doing even though some days I feel very incapable and that it's not enough.
Justin told me that on his way home that God spoke a very simple phrase to him, "I have not forgotten you." I was brought to tears. At times when it feels you have been forgotten, God is carrying out His master plan. Just because I can't see the things to come doesn't mean He isn't putting things into place to have that outcome I'm praying for.
I realize there is not going to be a moment where I feel "we have arrived." There is always going to be a struggle, if not money then something else. I'm sure we will face more difficult situations so surely this is only practice for that. And as I always try to do, I will learn from this and show God is faithful in all things, He is still God, and He is all I need. If I can't have joy in this season of life then I have proven that my joy is in things and not in the Creator.
In the moments I struggle with being looked over I have to remember that He said "I have not forgotten you."
Hebrews 13:5-6 (AMP)
5Let your [a]character or moral disposition be free from love of money [including greed, avarice, lust, and craving for earthly possessions] and be satisfied with your present [circumstances and with what you have]; for He [God] [b]Himself has said, I will not in any way fail you nor [c]give you up nor leave you without support. [I will] not, [d][I will] not, [I will] not in any degree leave you helpless nor forsake nor [e]let [you] down ([f]relax My hold on you)! [[g]Assuredly not!]
6So we take comfort and are encouraged and confidently and boldly say, The Lord is my Helper; I will not be seized with alarm [I will not fear or dread or be terrified]. What can man do to me?
So, so, SO true. Life is hard, life is not fair (from our personal perspective), but life with Jesus is RICH! We must "count our blessings" -- daily! And when we do ... we will see what God has done! And we will rejoice. I'm proud of you, Alanna Ruth! Yvonne
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