I'd like to think sometimes this is a very cruel joke. Still in debt. Not even living paycheck to paycheck. But worse, always behind. I feel like we are alone, but then again I know there are so many out there in the same boat. A job search that took longer than expected, and a depleted savings account forcing you to borrow from the next month, getting you deeper into debt. I have my days where I throw myself a pity party. Then I get over it and see that I have reminders all around me that God has blessed us and will continue to provide. But then there are days where doubt creeps up on me and I give in to it. I hate those days. I don't want to be a person that only has joy when life is good. I want to have joy in all things even if I lose everything.
As I talked with Justin the other night about my uncertainty of where I am and what I'm doing in life, and could I be doing more to help our situation, he reminded me that I already am. Being a mother and caring for our boys is my calling right now, and that's a very sacred thing. In the mundane, sometimes I feel as though I need to go do something to "save the world" or contribute more to our finances, but then I remember that I'm helping these little men to grow up knowing God loves them and is taking care of us. For me that is the most important thing I could be doing even though some days I feel very incapable and that it's not enough.
Justin told me that on his way home that God spoke a very simple phrase to him, "I have not forgotten you." I was brought to tears. At times when it feels you have been forgotten, God is carrying out His master plan. Just because I can't see the things to come doesn't mean He isn't putting things into place to have that outcome I'm praying for.
I realize there is not going to be a moment where I feel "we have arrived." There is always going to be a struggle, if not money then something else. I'm sure we will face more difficult situations so surely this is only practice for that. And as I always try to do, I will learn from this and show God is faithful in all things, He is still God, and He is all I need. If I can't have joy in this season of life then I have proven that my joy is in things and not in the Creator.
In the moments I struggle with being looked over I have to remember that He said "I have not forgotten you."
Hebrews 13:5-6 (AMP)
5Let your [a]character or moral disposition be free from love of money [including greed, avarice, lust, and craving for earthly possessions] and be satisfied with your present [circumstances and with what you have]; for He [God] [b]Himself has said, I will not in any way fail you nor [c]give you up nor leave you without support. [I will] not, [d][I will] not, [I will] not in any degree leave you helpless nor forsake nor [e]let [you] down ([f]relax My hold on you)! [[g]Assuredly not!]
6So we take comfort and are encouraged and confidently and boldly say, The Lord is my Helper; I will not be seized with alarm [I will not fear or dread or be terrified]. What can man do to me?