5 days

5 days...Yes I am totally counting down. To be honest I have been for awhile. This summer has been difficult. It always is, but this one seemed especially challenging for Aiden. And when Aiden is having a hard time, we all have a hard time. If you have followed my posts about our journey with Autism then you might understand why it's been rough.

Summer is not my thing. After 3 months I start to forget what life was like during the school year. I question whether or not this is a new normal or if it's going to get better when we get back into our routine? It happens every summer, and it does get better. And this year is surely no exception, but part of me still struggles to believe it.

My 5 day countdown feels like eternity, especially after last night and this afternoon. I can't help but wonder if I will ever be able to escape the anxiety, sadness, anger, and doubt I feel while in the whirlwind of one of Aiden's fits when Autism takes over? In these painful moments I try and remind myself to have some perspective. I am really great at having perspective in the great moments, but during the out of control fits it’s hard to see it. I feel helpless and so confused as if I don't know my own child. I know God has equipped me to handle this, but I don't always feel it. I go through ridiculous thoughts like “Why couldn’t we have a different struggle to go through; why does it have to be this?”

That's where I am. I feel like in a lot of ways I failed this summer. I was not always present or enjoying the moments I was in, so I have been eagerly waiting this new season. I am ready for a schedule, routine, teachers to get advice from, and seeing more progress with our son. Five more days to wait for that, but tomorrow I am ready to be all there. I want to capture every smile and laugh. I want to fight the desire to escape if the day turns burdensome, and instead stay calm and work through it to see the bigger picture. I want to embrace the tough moments, although painful, and soak in the precious time I have with my boys.

Stuck

Do you ever feel like you have something important to say but you are a little ashamed of yourself in that moment? I think I have about 13 drafts for different blog posts but I can't seem to finish any of them. If I don't even like myself right now why am I in a place to be sharing meaningful things?

That's where I've been the past month. I last wrote about Aiden's amazing progress, but he has a several bad days this summer. Okay way more than several. And I can't tell you that I've had the best response to all of it. So I have felt, at times, inadequate as a mother and unsure of the progress I was seeing in Aiden. Along with that I have been struggling with some anger and sadness about a situation and haven't been the best wife or friend. My mind has been consumed and I haven't been a giving person. So in the midst of these things I haven't felt qualified to write. But isn’t that why I’m here? Isn’t that why I write? So the ugly, challenging parts of life can be exposed so others don’t feel alone. I need this so I can remind myself and others that none of us are perfect. And remember I'm not in control; God is. But I have backed down from the very thing I want to convey on here. To be a truth teller and stop being ashamed of the feelings I have because of the difficulties that life brings. Because I believe exposing them and processing those things makes us stronger people. It changes us.

In my small group we just went through an amazing study by Jennie Allen called Stuck. And that's exactly where I have been...Stuck! I have felt very broken, mad, discontent, misunderstood, and confused. On some days I find myself whispering to God the only prayer I can seem to utter, "help me." As I listen to worship and pour out tears, I know He hears me. I've been in hard seasons before so I know I can get through this one too. But I have to allow him to help me. I haven't been doing that. I've been trying to control my own world and have stayed angry when I don't get the outcome I'm expecting. I'm trying to do it all on my own, believing I know what's best for myself when I know that doesn't work. In my anxiety filled days I've forgotten to trust God daily or allow Him to help me.

When we ended the study we talked about what we wanted to leave behind and what we wanted to move toward. I still was unsure what I even wanted. But after a conversation with a friend who gave me a different perspective of why I wasn't fully enjoying my life, it was very clear. My heart and mind had been a different place for so long that I wasn't appreciating the life I have been given. I know I need to leave behind the anxiety and the control I try to have on my life. When I live like that I lead myself into ugly places that steal my joy. So I'm moving toward closeness with God. Because in that I have true peace. I still have questions and frustrations, but I am clearer minded and more trusting.

Because in the end, when I strip everything away, I can't help but see a big God I can trust who can do big things. He meets me where I am and restores me. And I can clearly see His plan is always better than what I could imagine for myself. Sometimes I just have to get through the mess I have made for myself to see His goodness.

So although this isn't what I was hoping to post, it might meet some of you where you're at. If you're stuck like I have been I pray you know you're not alone and that you can go to God for help. Trust Him to change you through your struggle so you can be free.